Pulled Over

So Sunday night I drove from my house to Hofstra. Aside from being stuck in traffic, I was doing really well up until I got to New York. I misinterpreted the directions and got off at the wrong exit, so I got a little stressed and called my dad and he tried to help me get where I needed to be. Unfortunately, while I was on the phone with him a cop pulled up behind me at a stoplight and consequently pulled me over.  I hung up on my dad and dropped the phone into my lap. Before I could really help it, my eyes teared up and my throat closed. The cop came over and told me that I was pulled over cause I was on the phone. I explained, or rather, tried to explain through my closed throat and shortened breath, that I was lost and I had had to call my dad so he could tell me where to go. Several times the cop told me to calm down and there was no need to get worked up. Haha, I was trying, really, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't full out crying, but it was pretty damn close. His partner came over and called him a softie cause he wasn't going to give me a ticket. And instead he explained what I had to do, and then told me to just follow him and he would show me how to get back on the Belt Pkwy. So I guess tears really do work on police officers, though it wasn't intentional, and I guess the fact that I had a legit reason to be on the phone kinda helped too. So I followed him, and even then was still trying to stop myself from crying, and from there finished out the rest of my directions without a problem. Thank you police officer.

Book Panel (an account)

Last night I went to a book panel that included authors who write in the genre of Post-Apocalyptic teen fiction, the four authors were Scott Westerfeld (Uglies series, Midnighters series, Peeps, Leviathan), Carrie Ryan (Forest of Hands and Teeth), James Dashner (Maze Runner), and Michael Grant (Gone series). I braved the subway alone for the first time, managed to fuck it up a bit, but ended up okay, it wasn't particularly scary or confusing (the reason I fucked up was because I couldn't hear or see out the window which station we were at and only realized how far wrong I had gone when I was in Queens...).

The event was in a Barnes and Noble on 86th and Lexington Ave. Now, this Barnes and Noble is probably the one of the most amazing bookstores I've ever walked in to, it was huge!! Even bigger than the Borders on 7th Ave outside Madison Square Garden. It was also all underground, when you go in the entrance you walk down this huge open staircase to the first level of the store. The Event space was in a room on lowest level of the store, in the back corner. I bought Leviathan and Maze Runner before heading down the stairs to the space, I ended up sitting in the front row, pretty much directly across from Scott Westerfeld (though his chair was on a raised stage thing). It was amazing. Before the event started, the authors were just talking to each other, and people they knew (other authors and editors) kept coming up and saying hi. I was just in awe. How much I wish that were me. Scott also looked up at one point and smiled at me when we accidentally made eye contact. 

The panel itself was pretty cool, each author talked about their new books and projects before there was a Q & A. Some of the questions were about their individual writing process (Michael Grant enjoys torturing his editors because he generally doesn't know what'll happen next, haha, he's writing a six book series. Oh, and he thinks that the idea that JKRowling planned out every book before she started is complete bull), about writing for teen readers, about why they started writing about a post-apocalyptic world (Scott said that it was sort of the perfect opportunity to act on teenage frustration at the world, parents and establishments, because how great would it be if you could just make that all disappear and start anew to start over? It was also interesting to explore the mentality. James made the point that unlike completely fantastical works (like Harry Potter), this could actually happen, which I thought was a bloody brilliant point, haha, maybe that's why it's so fascinating). 

A few other funny moments

- Carrie Ryan, giving an example of not really knowing what'll happen: "If I get all my characters up in a tree, and I don't know what to do next and how to get them out, I set the tree on fire"

- Scott Westerfeld, while showing a picture his illustrator used for inspiration (imagine a bicycle, with legs instead of wheels): "This is an [insert Italian words here], which is Italian for 'Totally Fucking Insane'"

After the panel was a book signing. Having sat in the front row of the middle section, I was the first in line to get my books signed :) First I got Scott Westerfeld to sign Leviathan, I very much wish I had my Midnighters books here with me so I could've brought them too. I also got a picture with him. When we were talking while he signed my book he asked me if I had read it yet (I haven't, haha), and then he asked me if we'd met before (sadly, we haven't), which was funny, and he also complimented my rainboots. Then I got my copy of Maze Runner signed by James Dashner. I got a fist bump from him because I told him that I bought his book after reading an excerpt online when I found out he'd be at the panel too, so that was amazing. We also talked about The Hunger Games and how crazy amazing it was, and how we couldn't believe the cliff-hanger ending in the sequel. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture with him, since I was the first in line I didn't want to hold up everyone behind me, and he was in the middle of the table instead on the end like Scott was (which is how I easily got a picture with him). He was really nice though, I was glad I got to talk to him :)

I'm hoping to find way more author events here, probably one of the most magnificent things about being close to the city.

Gunned

It's my second train, LIRR from Penn Station to Mineola. It's not too late. The train leaves at 9:25. I sit in the largest part of the car, close to the middle. A man of questionable sanity is causing a disturbance in the smaller compartment to the back. My headphones are on, I don't hear much. We reach our next station, the transfer hub that is Jamaica. A few officers stand outside the train. The man is gone from the train. The ticket collector is questioned. Halfway to our next destination we stop. My headphones are on, I don't hear much. We have to go backwards and be rerouted. A minute in the wrong direction, we stop again. Other trains pass on the right. Shots, heavy, loud popping sounds, and they're hitting the train. My headphones are on, I hear it perfectly. The windows across the aisle from my seat show the effects. Splatters of orange, starting from a center point and arranged in a messy circle. Everyone stares toward the disturbance, heads above the seats. My train car has just been hit with the workings of a paintball gun. I laugh.

Sugar Coats

I may have joined crew today, just waiting for the email to see if I actually can. I think I might actually enjoy it, I always thought it looked really cool when I saw it on the Olympics....and it's also sort of a desperate attempt to somehow make friends.....and it rhymes with TRUE.

It was ridiculously windy today. Like, the-wind-will-knock-you-to-the-ground sort of windy. Twas pretty awesome.

In case anyone was unaware....I really need friends, it's starting to get sad (well...I guess it already was, but seriously? a month without. sigh). Rebecca said that Hofstra must be some sort of alternate universe because she doesn't understand how no one is friends with me yet. Which was sweet of her to say. And I'm starting to agree.

Irony: the longer I go without social interaction, the more anti-social I prefer to be. You'd think I'd be going out of my way trying to find some sort of connection with people, but I'm really just done with the whole idea. 

whateverthefuck

rawr. rawr. rawr. BAH

Are we friends? I'm confused. What do you want from me?!

All you can do is trust that I'll figure it out, I know you wish you could do more.

SHUT UP. shutupshutupshutup

All I want, is to be able to come home, into your arms, that's where I belong. I love you.

Just have fun. Everything will be fine. I promise.

Are you okay?

I miss you :( I miss all of you, together.

I don't know how to help you, you need to tell me more.

Thank you for letting me talk to you this afternoon :)

Not to be mean, but I would like to know if there is anyone from my class who went to college and is not having fun. Just want to know that I'm not alone. Is it bad to hope someone else is like me?

For some reason I didn't think that I would procrastinate as much in college as I did in high school. I don't know what made me think that my habits would change...hahaha.

SEPTEMBER ISN'T EVEN OVER YET. what the fuck. rawr. SO DONE.

AUGH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FUCK. 

Haha, I write so many blogs that I don't post. You should see how many drafts I have...ridiculous.

I'm really frustrated with everything. I don't even want to list it all. I'm glad I'm still a teenager, cause this whole angsty teen bit really wouldn't do otherwise. I kinda want to throw things...

I don't feel like being coherent. Sorry. Haha.

Realization

Nothing is changing.

It's so BORING. 

I've realized that's what this is. Why I'm tired and apathetic.

I do the same goddamn thing every fucking day.

The problem: I don't want to do anything differently. Nothing is appealing when you have to do it alone. rawr.

On another note, this past weekend ended up being awesome, if a bit stressful to begin with. Thank you Sarah, Lexie and Abby for letting me crash in on your plans for the day/night :) Love you :D

-------------an hour later------------------

Just got off the phone with my dad (also talked to my mom before that, haha).

I miss my family.

sigh.

Always, The Days Change

My music is always too loud.

The desk and chair and bed are always a mess.

The hallway is always empty.

The words are always the same.

The meaning is always there.

Today I saw a two guys holding hands. It made me smile the entire way back to my dorm.

Yesterday the sun warmed the air, but I still wore a jacket.

Tonight I started writing.

Last night I drowned out the world, exhausted.

The situation has yet to change, but I remember who I am now, and there is hope.

Tears

It's not the tears that I hate

the way they make my eyes burn and sting

the way I can't seem to breathe 

the way my throat closes up, tight and unyielding

the way I can't quite seem to stop

No

It's not the tears that I hate

It's the pain in my heart

I wouldn't mind crying, if it didn't hurt so bad.

Seriously?

Only a week?

Slowest week of my life. I don't think I can survive a semester like this.

Today I...

talked to an exchange student from the Netherlands

realized that I'm not making any lasting friendships. every conversation lasts a short time. every group I try to join ends up with me on the edges, tagging along, not talking. and friends I make one day are not the same people I talk to the next for whatever reason.

saw In the Heights, twas good

wandered Times Square alone, took the train alone, explore Borders and sat outside by Madison Square Gardens...alone...(you see the pattern?)

bought the best smoothie ever

also bought a Josh Groban songbook :D (yeah, that was the highlight of my day)

was fighting a bout of depression all day at the same time as not admitting to myself that that's what it was

I know that it's only the fourth day that I've been here, that I really shouldn't have expected to make any real friendship progress, but I can't stop myself from becoming sad/depressed about being lonely.

Roommate and I are nice to each other, but I actually don't really want to hang out with her, she's just not my kind of person. I almost made a friend yesterday, but today when I saw her and talked to her a little, it was like we had lost the connection we had the day before. And she was with some other friends. How the hell did everyone else get friends so fast? Why am I the only one out a group? Or rather, why does it seem that way? And everyone can tell me that I'm awesome, or that I'll make friends soon, but I don't see it happening, and I'm not awesome to people I don't know in case you weren't aware. Reassurances do nothing to help me. I'm not outgoing with people I just meet, I'm shy and stupid and afraid of saying the wrong thing. 

And I'm tired of people trying to give me advice. I'm doing my best, I'm just getting in my own way.

I need classes to start. I need to sing and I need to play music. I need friends.