Jumbled Out

The websites for UDel and WCU have been open on my computer for over a week now, and my WCU application is half done :)

I'm changing my path. I'm hoping it turns out well. 

My senior friends are under the impression that I'm not transferring (they don't read this blog) and I don't think I'm going to change their belief in that idea until I'm accepted somewhere else. For some reason, I don't think they'll understand completely my reasons for getting out. 

My mom is afraid that I will have just as much trouble somewhere else.

That break seemed to go by fast, but looking back it also seems like it started long ago. 

I still have to unpack. BAH. 

My lips are really chapped and I can't find my chapstick :(

I have a five page paper due at the end of this week on two books that I didn't read...

There are two chorus rehearsals this week. Our concert is next Tuesday. Craziness.

I really enjoyed talking to Abby on Friday and hanging out and talking with Sarah last night. I miss you guys. 

I miss indoor. I'm going to be so super jealous of all of you for the whole season. WANT.

Hard As I Try

I'm afraid to hope that anything will change. I was generally afraid before I got here that this would happen, but I still hoped and was kind of confident that it wouldn't. And see where that little bit of hope got me.

I lost my appetite. I lost my sense of self. I lost control of my emotions. 

My heart is about to shatter into a million pieces

burst out of my chest

I can't possibly hold this in anymore

Tight, full, bursting

Impossible

head in hands

pulling

head pounding

joining heart

aching

everything

pulling

The entire ordeal makes the urge to scream and yell and throw things much more apparent in my consciousness. 

I wish to sing. And I don't do it much anymore, save for choir once a week.

It is my fear that holds me, and it is my fear that I cannot seem to shake. No matter how many times the advice I receive calls for just such an action. It is the advice that makes me aware of the misunderstanding others have of my mind and self.

I wish to write. I have not done so in such a long time. I worry that I have chosen the wrong path, but what else is there to do?

I've been falling apart since last Thursday. Trying to stand, hit over and over. My thoughts became incoherent. I was too afraid to reach out directly, and was hit harder when I wasn't reached out to. I don't know what I need to get better, except the company that isn't here, so I'm just trying to stumble and crawl to the weekend to see Tom, my family, my friends. 

I'm miserable here. I'm not sure that I could ever be happy here. I'm going to start looking for a way out.

I fought depressive bouts a few times last fall/winter. This is so much more.

My mom texted me today:

Mom - Hi

Molly - Hi 

Mom - Hi. Is everything okay?

Molly - For the moment, yes. Had a rough weekend.

Mom - Do you wanna talk?

Molly - Can we talk when I get home Friday?

*a minute later she calls me*

"Well that was ominous. You know I can't wait til then"

*conversation*

I broke last night. Finally let a few tears escape me. I cried a little talking to my mom on the phone. I'll probably cry again when we talk on Friday. I'm crying now. I just want the tears to be done. I want to be happy again.

Book Panel at Books of Wonder

Woot! Another book panel! (set on Tuesday the 10th)

Scott Westerfeld was at this one as well (and he is also the reason I found out about it (the day before (thank you Twitter))), and so were authors Justine Larbalestier (Scott's wife and author of Liar), Libba Bray (Gemma Doyle series and Going Bovine), Kristin Cashore!! (Graceling and Fire), and Suzanne Collins!!! (The Hunger Games series!). 

I got there about forty-five minutes before the event started and bought Fire and received a number for the signing after the panel. There were already quite a few people there, and all the chairs were filled, though this does not say much since there were only about twenty chairs. I stationed myself next to a bookshelf right behind the chairs on the left side, it was quite the perfect view. I decided not to move from this spot so that I may retain this view, which turned out to be a very wise decision because there ended up being near a hundred people there (please note, Books of Wonder isn't all that big, so it was a bit cramped, haha). 

The panel proceeded as such: each author introduced themselves and explained a bit about their newest books, and then there was a Q & A, and then a book signing. Justine's introduction was most notable:

Justine: Hi, I'm Justine Larbalestier.

Libba: Woo!!

Justine: And Libba Bray is my best friend. Scott is my husband. Kristin is my new lover.

Scott: Woo!! 

*laughter*

Scott: Oh, too soon?

Justine: And Suzanne is my other best friend.

Suzanne *whispering*: We just met.

Kristin: I just met her as well.

Hahaha, brilliant.

Another good moment:

Random Girl In the Crowd: This question is for Scott and Justine: What's it like living with another writer? And which one of you is the better author?

*crowd proceeds to laugh, catcall, etc*

Justine answers the first question, saying how wonderful it is to have the constant feedback and such things when they read to each other. Though she explains that when Scott reads she is very animated in her reactions, while when she reads to him he remains expressionless, taking notes, commenting in a monotone when something is funny. Her impression of him was quite amusing. Justine leaves it up to Scott to answer the second question.

Scott (paraphrased/shortened): Justine's novel is like pure poetry, and I could never write such wonderful lines and passages as she does. However! I do write kick ass action scenes.

At another point an audience member asked Suzanne if she could reveal the title of her third book, to which she had to reply no, as her agent was in the back and shook her head vigorously at her, hahaha. 

Many of the people in attendance were female, and almost everyone was there foremost for Suzanne and secondly for the other authors (it was the only fall appearance Suzanne was doing). 

Sadly I didn't get to take pictures with any of the authors, I didn't want to hold anyone up. And the line for Suzanne was so long that I just exchanged greetings with her. But I did get to talk to Kristin a bit. I told her how much I loved Graceling, and that I looked forward to reading Fire quite a lot. I also joked with her about when her next book was coming out. Haha. She was so sweet :)

~ * ~

I just finished Fire today. IT WAS WONDERFUL. I loved it. I really did not want to part with the characters so soon, wishing instead that I could read their stories forever. But alas...

Drafts (a few of the things I've written before and never posted)

It's cool how interesting discussion class got when we started talking about the Qur'an, especially in relation to Boethius. I love it. I love how interesting the concepts are, especially of God existing in the eternal present. I might make a post involving things I wrote about in my seminar paper. So fucking cool.

Three mallet instruments, two sets of wood blocks, and I'm stuck playing the triangle and a few Snapple bottles filled with water.

I don't get there early because I don't want to sit alone.

Right now I wish I didn't have any friends, then I wouldn't have to hide how lonely I am.

Okay. Really. If you had heard the phone conversation that I did tonight, you would understand why I didn't comfort my stupid roommate when her boyfriend broke up with her. Jesus christ. I just don't understand what goes through her mind. Nor do I understand why she tells her friends such things on the phone when I'm here and I can't help but to hear every word because she talks SO DAMN LOUD. sigh.

Our teacher called my music class a mixture between Star Wars and Barney because of the sociological spin we want to put on our final project.

the world is bright

and the darkness lies beneath

It's sudden, the constant backdrop of feelings taking effect for a turn or two. 

Ahh, I'm in such a weird mood. Not sad exactly. Not happy. Not annoyed (excepting how annoyed I am but not understanding what the hell this is). I feel like jumping off something, running really fast, laying on my bed and not moving, writing epics, I need a hug. 

Do you realize how unbelievably frustrating you are? Augh. Just tell me what you want to fucking say already, so we can both move on. 

I don't much care how busy you are, you can't use it as an excuse to forget about me. Sorry.

Aw, you feel left out? Well so do I, bitch.

The Why and How of Friendships

I've tried, really, I've gone to a few events in my dorm building, I've talked to people in my honors classes and music class, but even after all that I think I've forgotten how to make new friends... When you really stop to think about it, how do you make friends? I don't even know. I feel like all my friendships just...happened. One day we're acquaintances just talkin to each other, and the next, we're friends. Where is that key moment? What has to click? 

I'm not sure I can base my research on making friends on the friendships I've made through the pit. I think that was a once happening type thing, and it won't work that way again. Pretty much all I did there was hang around a lot, didn't talk much (mostly just laughed to myself), acclimating myself to the types of people in the group, just BEING there until people started to notice and remember me. But that can't really work here, there aren't close-knit parties I can sit-in on, there isn't a singular activity that we bond over, there isn't a group that I can just start to follow around until I'm suddenly part of it. And aside from that, it took me over two years to ACTUALLY be friends with those people. I can't decide if it was because of the group of people I was trying to break in to, or because I was playing the balancing act to keep two very separate groups of friends (kind of dropped the ball on that one for a bit though, didn't I?), or both.

And my friendships before that time are too early on to remember the beginning of, though I know Jenna and I became friends through working on some project in Social Studies together. And with Jenny it was from homeroom in sixth grade and our little group of new kids. But sixth grade was also one of the less enjoyable years of my life; Jenny and I were in constant fights, and generally I was not terribly close with anyone else, though I hung out with the same people before school every day (Jenny, Wendy, Hetty, etc (I rocked out the Asian friends, hahaha)) and we occasionally met up after school too. And any earlier times of new friendships are lost to me, though I had and can recall many friends in elementary school and at summer camp/swim team.

Friendships have been too gradual to trace, too rocky to follow, too smooth to remember the exact moment. I've fought to break in, fought to keep, fought and lost. I've faded in and faded out. I observed, I blended, I spoke. 

Suppose every time is new, it's different. But why and how? And what am I supposed to do?

Pulled Over

So Sunday night I drove from my house to Hofstra. Aside from being stuck in traffic, I was doing really well up until I got to New York. I misinterpreted the directions and got off at the wrong exit, so I got a little stressed and called my dad and he tried to help me get where I needed to be. Unfortunately, while I was on the phone with him a cop pulled up behind me at a stoplight and consequently pulled me over.  I hung up on my dad and dropped the phone into my lap. Before I could really help it, my eyes teared up and my throat closed. The cop came over and told me that I was pulled over cause I was on the phone. I explained, or rather, tried to explain through my closed throat and shortened breath, that I was lost and I had had to call my dad so he could tell me where to go. Several times the cop told me to calm down and there was no need to get worked up. Haha, I was trying, really, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't full out crying, but it was pretty damn close. His partner came over and called him a softie cause he wasn't going to give me a ticket. And instead he explained what I had to do, and then told me to just follow him and he would show me how to get back on the Belt Pkwy. So I guess tears really do work on police officers, though it wasn't intentional, and I guess the fact that I had a legit reason to be on the phone kinda helped too. So I followed him, and even then was still trying to stop myself from crying, and from there finished out the rest of my directions without a problem. Thank you police officer.

Book Panel (an account)

Last night I went to a book panel that included authors who write in the genre of Post-Apocalyptic teen fiction, the four authors were Scott Westerfeld (Uglies series, Midnighters series, Peeps, Leviathan), Carrie Ryan (Forest of Hands and Teeth), James Dashner (Maze Runner), and Michael Grant (Gone series). I braved the subway alone for the first time, managed to fuck it up a bit, but ended up okay, it wasn't particularly scary or confusing (the reason I fucked up was because I couldn't hear or see out the window which station we were at and only realized how far wrong I had gone when I was in Queens...).

The event was in a Barnes and Noble on 86th and Lexington Ave. Now, this Barnes and Noble is probably the one of the most amazing bookstores I've ever walked in to, it was huge!! Even bigger than the Borders on 7th Ave outside Madison Square Garden. It was also all underground, when you go in the entrance you walk down this huge open staircase to the first level of the store. The Event space was in a room on lowest level of the store, in the back corner. I bought Leviathan and Maze Runner before heading down the stairs to the space, I ended up sitting in the front row, pretty much directly across from Scott Westerfeld (though his chair was on a raised stage thing). It was amazing. Before the event started, the authors were just talking to each other, and people they knew (other authors and editors) kept coming up and saying hi. I was just in awe. How much I wish that were me. Scott also looked up at one point and smiled at me when we accidentally made eye contact. 

The panel itself was pretty cool, each author talked about their new books and projects before there was a Q & A. Some of the questions were about their individual writing process (Michael Grant enjoys torturing his editors because he generally doesn't know what'll happen next, haha, he's writing a six book series. Oh, and he thinks that the idea that JKRowling planned out every book before she started is complete bull), about writing for teen readers, about why they started writing about a post-apocalyptic world (Scott said that it was sort of the perfect opportunity to act on teenage frustration at the world, parents and establishments, because how great would it be if you could just make that all disappear and start anew to start over? It was also interesting to explore the mentality. James made the point that unlike completely fantastical works (like Harry Potter), this could actually happen, which I thought was a bloody brilliant point, haha, maybe that's why it's so fascinating). 

A few other funny moments

- Carrie Ryan, giving an example of not really knowing what'll happen: "If I get all my characters up in a tree, and I don't know what to do next and how to get them out, I set the tree on fire"

- Scott Westerfeld, while showing a picture his illustrator used for inspiration (imagine a bicycle, with legs instead of wheels): "This is an [insert Italian words here], which is Italian for 'Totally Fucking Insane'"

After the panel was a book signing. Having sat in the front row of the middle section, I was the first in line to get my books signed :) First I got Scott Westerfeld to sign Leviathan, I very much wish I had my Midnighters books here with me so I could've brought them too. I also got a picture with him. When we were talking while he signed my book he asked me if I had read it yet (I haven't, haha), and then he asked me if we'd met before (sadly, we haven't), which was funny, and he also complimented my rainboots. Then I got my copy of Maze Runner signed by James Dashner. I got a fist bump from him because I told him that I bought his book after reading an excerpt online when I found out he'd be at the panel too, so that was amazing. We also talked about The Hunger Games and how crazy amazing it was, and how we couldn't believe the cliff-hanger ending in the sequel. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture with him, since I was the first in line I didn't want to hold up everyone behind me, and he was in the middle of the table instead on the end like Scott was (which is how I easily got a picture with him). He was really nice though, I was glad I got to talk to him :)

I'm hoping to find way more author events here, probably one of the most magnificent things about being close to the city.

Gunned

It's my second train, LIRR from Penn Station to Mineola. It's not too late. The train leaves at 9:25. I sit in the largest part of the car, close to the middle. A man of questionable sanity is causing a disturbance in the smaller compartment to the back. My headphones are on, I don't hear much. We reach our next station, the transfer hub that is Jamaica. A few officers stand outside the train. The man is gone from the train. The ticket collector is questioned. Halfway to our next destination we stop. My headphones are on, I don't hear much. We have to go backwards and be rerouted. A minute in the wrong direction, we stop again. Other trains pass on the right. Shots, heavy, loud popping sounds, and they're hitting the train. My headphones are on, I hear it perfectly. The windows across the aisle from my seat show the effects. Splatters of orange, starting from a center point and arranged in a messy circle. Everyone stares toward the disturbance, heads above the seats. My train car has just been hit with the workings of a paintball gun. I laugh.

Sugar Coats

I may have joined crew today, just waiting for the email to see if I actually can. I think I might actually enjoy it, I always thought it looked really cool when I saw it on the Olympics....and it's also sort of a desperate attempt to somehow make friends.....and it rhymes with TRUE.

It was ridiculously windy today. Like, the-wind-will-knock-you-to-the-ground sort of windy. Twas pretty awesome.

In case anyone was unaware....I really need friends, it's starting to get sad (well...I guess it already was, but seriously? a month without. sigh). Rebecca said that Hofstra must be some sort of alternate universe because she doesn't understand how no one is friends with me yet. Which was sweet of her to say. And I'm starting to agree.

Irony: the longer I go without social interaction, the more anti-social I prefer to be. You'd think I'd be going out of my way trying to find some sort of connection with people, but I'm really just done with the whole idea. 

whateverthefuck

rawr. rawr. rawr. BAH

Are we friends? I'm confused. What do you want from me?!

All you can do is trust that I'll figure it out, I know you wish you could do more.

SHUT UP. shutupshutupshutup

All I want, is to be able to come home, into your arms, that's where I belong. I love you.

Just have fun. Everything will be fine. I promise.

Are you okay?

I miss you :( I miss all of you, together.

I don't know how to help you, you need to tell me more.

Thank you for letting me talk to you this afternoon :)

Not to be mean, but I would like to know if there is anyone from my class who went to college and is not having fun. Just want to know that I'm not alone. Is it bad to hope someone else is like me?

For some reason I didn't think that I would procrastinate as much in college as I did in high school. I don't know what made me think that my habits would change...hahaha.

SEPTEMBER ISN'T EVEN OVER YET. what the fuck. rawr. SO DONE.

AUGH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FUCK. 

Haha, I write so many blogs that I don't post. You should see how many drafts I have...ridiculous.

I'm really frustrated with everything. I don't even want to list it all. I'm glad I'm still a teenager, cause this whole angsty teen bit really wouldn't do otherwise. I kinda want to throw things...

I don't feel like being coherent. Sorry. Haha.