Today I...

talked to an exchange student from the Netherlands

realized that I'm not making any lasting friendships. every conversation lasts a short time. every group I try to join ends up with me on the edges, tagging along, not talking. and friends I make one day are not the same people I talk to the next for whatever reason.

saw In the Heights, twas good

wandered Times Square alone, took the train alone, explore Borders and sat outside by Madison Square Gardens...alone...(you see the pattern?)

bought the best smoothie ever

also bought a Josh Groban songbook :D (yeah, that was the highlight of my day)

was fighting a bout of depression all day at the same time as not admitting to myself that that's what it was

I know that it's only the fourth day that I've been here, that I really shouldn't have expected to make any real friendship progress, but I can't stop myself from becoming sad/depressed about being lonely.

Roommate and I are nice to each other, but I actually don't really want to hang out with her, she's just not my kind of person. I almost made a friend yesterday, but today when I saw her and talked to her a little, it was like we had lost the connection we had the day before. And she was with some other friends. How the hell did everyone else get friends so fast? Why am I the only one out a group? Or rather, why does it seem that way? And everyone can tell me that I'm awesome, or that I'll make friends soon, but I don't see it happening, and I'm not awesome to people I don't know in case you weren't aware. Reassurances do nothing to help me. I'm not outgoing with people I just meet, I'm shy and stupid and afraid of saying the wrong thing. 

And I'm tired of people trying to give me advice. I'm doing my best, I'm just getting in my own way.

I need classes to start. I need to sing and I need to play music. I need friends. 

So I'm Here

For some reason, I don't always feel like I'm going to be here for as long as I will be. Like it's just summer camp or something, it's weird.

Moving in was much less of a hassle than i previously thought, I didn't bring an absurd amount of stuff, so that's probably why. Thankfully, my bed isn't raised like the one I had at orientation, so there are no failed attempts at leaping into it, hahaha. My roommate raised hers, sucka. 

My desk chair is the most annoying fucking thing I've ever had to sit on. On the front and back of the legs, it tilts upwards, so it can rock forward and back, which is really annoying when you don't expect it, or want it. Also it kills my back. Sigh.

Anyway, my roommate and I get along, but we don't talk very much...it's too quiet and I don't like it, but I don't know what to say either. She's actually out at the moment, so I have the opportunity to listen to some Wizard Rock using my speakers without feeling weird, haha. Mmm, Ministry of Magic :)

I've talked to quite a few people, but the amount of time I spend talking to people is still outweighed by the time I spend either listening to others or walking alone... Once classes start I'm sure I'll be better (at least, that's what I tell myself). I worry that everyone who is making friends now will be so tight knit in groups that by the time I can work up the courage to keep a conversation going it'll be too late to be good friends with them...

I'll write more later, don't feel like rambling on at the moment.

You Won't Get Much Sleep

I'm not excited.

I don't really want to go.

It's not just because of what I'm leaving behind, though of course that's a part of it.

I feel as if I've become disenchanted with the whole idea. 

And I'm afraid. Afraid of what might not work out. Afraid of not making friends. Afraid the friends I have won't be the same when I come back. Afraid I won't be the same when I come back. Afraid I won't do well in classes, that I'm really no good at what I want to do. Simply afraid.

There's nothing I can think of to change that. Nothing I can think of to make me excited. 

It doesn't seem real. It won't until I'm there.

Strawberry Fields

For the past few weeks I have had vivid and highly involved dreams almost every night, and I usually wake up remembering them, though I don't remember long enough to tell someone coherently what exactly happened in the dream.

Anyway, for the last two nights I have woken up and then written down as much as I can remember of the dream before it slips from my consciousness. Don't expect this to make sense, but it's a little interesting I suppose.

Dream 1

- two warring countries/factions

- mix between modern and ancient times

- protagonists steal a magic carpet (that looks more like a yoga mat than a carpet)

- return to the castle where the antagonists are staying in time to see a man named B----- (I can't remember the name, just that it started with a B) proclaiming himself to be a betrayer to an overly crowded hall based on what he's read in old stories (he believes himself to be reincarnated), everyone is fleeing the hall, and the man is taken away

- spying and sneaking around the castle, a young, malicious girl finds them hiding and alerts the guards, chase scene ensues

- the cars of the leaders are destroyed when the protagonists escape (parts of the castle were destroyed and landed on the cars (i told you, ancient and modern mixed, haha)

There's a part I left out because it involves drawing a diagram of the area of the castle, but it didn't make sense anyway, so oh well.

Dream 2 (slightly more coherent)

So I'm in a castle with a bunch of people and it's kind of like a People to People trip, and we're having a scavenger hunt where we are all split in to teams. I came late (I don't recall why) and some girl drags me into her group, when we're given the signal to start the game, me and this girl don't immediately start searching, we instead try to make a makeshift bag to carry around the stuff we will be finding. When we finally get to exploring, we find that most of the teams have already been taken out (it was also somewhat of a war game), the ammo that was used - strawberries. So entire corridors are littered with strawberries and we pass by one alcove where an entire team was seemingly slaughtered, their bodies lay in a circle, each of their heads pointing towards the center, strawberries lay all around them.

I figure that the reason strawberries were used as ammo in my last dream is because it looks a lot like blood if everyone is covered in the red juice. Morbid, I know, but it wasn't really a nightmare, so I don't know what's going on in my head.

I kind of hope I have that first dream again, it was really awesome, and I wish I could remember all the details, I want to make it into a story.

I Won't Let Go Til We've Seen the Dawn

I am most often inspired to write poetry when I'm listening to music. You would think that someone else's words would be distracting from my own, but it's just my motivation. However, I haven't written anything in quite some time, though I desperately want to. I just can't force words. 

I am dying to buy some new books. But I want to finish rereading the Harry Potter series before I do, and I should probably finish a few other books that are already on my shelf....but I really want new books, new adventures, new characters. I just want to stand in front of a shelf of newly written words. I just love being in bookstores. Touching and smelling new books. 

Sigh.

Erin has been at the beach with her friend since Wednesday. She came home today and we chilled together, watched tv, went shopping (bought matching outfits, hahahahaha). It was good. I am soooo going to miss her when I leave for school. My twinny, my seestoor, my charlie, she is the mitchell to my kyle, haha. We are probably the most ridiculous pair, and it's always fun. I can be as absurd as I want to be, and it doesn't matter.

I know that around my friends I am generally a ridiculous sort of person, I like to laugh, I make absurd gestures and comments. But I find that I am even more absurd and ridiculous around my family (if you can imagine me being more so than I already am), perhaps it's because they have to deal with me no matter what, or perhaps because I just don't think I would have as many friends if I was as weird as I am when I'm with my family and in a relatively hyper-giddy mood. Hahahahaha. I make odd noises, outlandish metaphors or similes, talk about things I don't know, etc. 

Currently Listening to: Into the Night - Ministry of Magic

Currently Reading: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix