College Take Two Fucking Rules

I love being here. I love being close to Tom. I love going to class again. I love being in pit again. I love the marimba and I love the vibe. I love my room. I love not sleeping in my room. I love that it's been so much easier this time.

I can't wait to get back to AZCDC to be with my toddlers.

Over the weekend I managed to stab myself with scissors in the space between my thumb and forefinger, it hurts like a bitch. Today I managed to stub my second to last toe on my right foot, and now it's purple and green and a little swollen, I can't bend it. SIGH. I got a bruise on my knee from intermittently hitting myself with mallets between reps.

I had to take my car home because I don't have enough credits to get a permit.

The first week here was a little up and down emotionally, I think I might need a different Pill prescription. I just wanna be normal all the time.

I've cursed more in the past week than I have in my entire life of cursing. It's awesome. Fuck yes.

I love making people in the pit laugh, I love that I was one of the first rookies to really speak up a lot. I can't believe how easy it is to be me with people I've only met once or twice before this week.

I love the world.

Just Say

I love my new job. I think I might actually go into Early Childhood Education because of it. My favorite age group to work with is Twos. I love them. They're easier than Toddlers and not as annoying as Preschoolers, and if I couldn't work with Twos I would work with Pre-K. Right now I'm in as a support, so I don't really get to choose where I go, but that's okay, I like moving around and interacting with each age group because there's more variety of experience and I think I need that.

I hate this waiting. I don't care if it's essentially a sure thing, I need to know the answer now.

Today I was in Toddler 5 and Sam woke up from his nap way earlier than everyone else, so I gave him some books to read, but eventually had to just make him lay down quietly because he was talking to himself. And he kept watching me, so I started blowing him kisses from across the room and after a few times he started blowing me kisses too and smiling, it was the first time I'd seen him smile all day, it made me happy.

So the Monday after Wildwood I was in Twos 4 with Devin and found out that he is the director for Imperial Dynasty Percussion (the Drumineese show that took first in Independent A this year). Anyway, he wants me to be in the pit because he's been looking to expand and I told him that I played in high school. How amazing is that?! I am so excited. He's going to tell me what dues are by the end of the month (they're planning to go to Dayton next year so they have to figure costs and such), but I don't really care how much it is, I want to do it so bad.

Save the Music was so amazing. I very much wish I had been singing in it again.

I was talking to my mom the other night and we got to the topic of transferring and how she wasn't all that surprised. I am very much the observer before I open up to people, and she said that she thinks that when I didn't see anywhere to fit in and I didn't have somewhere safe and familiar to return to each night (my dorm room and roommate weren't exactly comforting) I couldn't handle it. I see her point. She said that my dad was surprised though, which I can also understand because I think that when I'm comfortable I come off as more independent and confident than I really am. It's funny when fears come true, because as much as I dread something happening I never truly believe that it will. I dreaded not being able to make friends, but I thought I would anyway, and then I didn't. Everything happens for a reason I suppose, I just don't know what this reason is yet.

She also said that we need to have a back-up plan just in case. I don't want a back-up plan. I don't want to think about this not happening.

I really like working every day (because otherwise I'd be bored and lonely), but it makes the week soooo long. I'm so tiiired.

I feel bad that my friends are coming home from college for the summer, and that my high school friends will be out of school, but I'll still be working every day and have swim practice and have my second job twice a week. I hate not having time for everyone I want to hang out with.

As It Were

I am so terrified.

I've been meaning to write a New Years type post, but I just haven't felt motivated to do so.

I made a new email account with gmail, but Blogger won't let me change the email address that this blog is attached to. Sigh.

Don't you hate when you can't figure out what kind of music you're in the mood to listen to? I would just turn it off, but I can't stand the silence either.

I'm reading this book called The Female Brain. It's pretty interesting. Though sometimes I cannot identify with the ideas it describes, and I wonder where the differences stem from.

The pictures and various items that were taken down to travel and hang at college have yet to return to their respective places upon my wall. I don't know if I'll be returning them any time soon. Perhaps they'll just wait til I leave again next year. Or perhaps I'll find other things to hang up in their stead.

We'll See Where This Leads

This is not where I planned on ending up. I don't understand how everything got so flipped around. In my ideal life I'm supposed to be away at college, on a beautiful campus, with these crazy amazing friends that I love living with and talking to, I'm supposed to be having intelligent conversations and good times with said friends, I'm supposed to be learning awesome things and taking cool classes. I am not supposed to be stuck between colleges. I was not supposed to utterly fail at making friends. I am not supposed to feel this insane pulling in all directions and feel the complete impossibility of decisions crashing down upon my head. 

Nothing happens the way it is supposed to. I was reading Maureen Johnson's blog earlier and she imparted this brilliant little piece of wisdom in the course of her writing: 

"And if you think there is a set way a story (or life) is supposed to go, you are mistaken—and happily so. Because there is a lot of fun to be had and things to be learned when you shake off those preconceptions. "

So I'm honestly going to try to just let things happen, to be as they are, to make the best of what decisions I have to make. But at the same time I want to be upset about it for a while, it really does suck. Don't you ever just want a day or two to give up and be upset and brood? Aside from those times that hormones force that attitude upon you without consent. I know it'll end up being okay, but right now, I don't know anything. So we'll see where this leads.

Etc...

It's amazing how much better I feel now that I've left Hofstra. I'm rather stressed about getting into West Chester for next semester, but otherwise I'm so much better. 

I had one of the best Christmases this year (or should I say last year...), not because I got everything I wanted (I didn't), but because my family is ridiculous. My mom bought everyone in my family nerf guns, including my grandpa, grandma, my uncle Chris, and my boyfriend. So all that day, and every day since, random battles have broken out. Our only rules are not attacking anyone unarmed (my uncle came up with that one). My favorite battle was me against my dad and my grandpa. Epic. Patrick and Jack also got this cool laser tag game, which was fun. And Patrick got Risk, which I played once that night. I lasted a while, but eventually Alex killed me off, at which point I ignored the rules, got my gun, and shot him in the head, mwahahahaha. So yeah, anyway, my family is hilarious and fun. 

Last weekend, I saw four movies. It's Complicated, with Sarah and Lexie, it was pretty good, funny. Sherlock Holmes with Tom, which was wonderful and cool, loved it. Avatar in 3D with most of my family, it was amazing and the technology was incredible, but 3D gives me a headache. And finally, Princess and the Frog with Sarah, it was so cute and a perfect Disney movie, it made me really really happy :) 

My New Years Eve and New Years Day were both awesome :) I didn't sleep at all until around 7 that morning, and that was for only about two hours, haha. The rest of that day was kinda hazy. 

My grandmother was here for Christmas and only left on New Years Eve, so I haven't slept in my bed for almost two weeks. And it was the most amazing thing laying down in my own bed again, haha.

For some reason, since coming home from Hofstra, my room seems to have less room in it. I honestly have no idea where all this stuff went before. I knew I wouldn't have enough room on my bookshelf when I got back, so I have a crate of books sitting next to it. And aside from that crate I have these three basket sort of things that I got for my dorm room, a big one, a medium sized one and a small one, they're all filled with random stuff, and I have no where to put the contents so the boxes are just sitting around my desk, haha. It is quite ridiculous.

I have not yet thought about New Years Resolutions and I'm not sure that I will. I think the only thing I need to do is figure out school and where the hell I'm going with it all. We'll see. 

The Universe

There is no possible way to think about all the circumstances that led to where you are right now without your head exploding. Just saying.

Humans are amazing. When you really think about it. Even after you think about all the shitty stuff we've done, we're pretty fucking amazing. I stole this from another blog I read:

"Richard Dawkins said that all of the circumstances that led to our being alive, all put together, are so unlikely to happen – my mum could have just not slept with my dad, or a different sperm could have got through, or they’d have never met because my mum chose not to work at the bakery, or a million other things. Someone else could have been here instead of me, and it’s likely that these unborn ‘ghosts’ that never will be would include better musicians than Mozart, better writers than Shakespeare; and yet, I’m the one who gets his little moment to do things in his brief time on this planet.

....

So we’ve evolved to a point where we can put strings on wood and make sounds, and change the shapes of our fingers to put like sounds together, and then here I am all this time later, listening to Green Day do just that – IN MY EARS! That’s AMAZING! So even though the scope of my existence doesn’t accommodate a supreme being, I still have plenty of reasons to look at the things around me with wonder."

He was talking about being an atheist and other such related things. And while I'm still sitting in the camp of being agnostic, his post made a lot of sense, and it also blew my mind because I was trying to comprehend how fucking crazy awesome the universe is to have culminated into this very moment, right now.

It's pretty cool.

On a side note: I have not studied for any finals as of yet. I have my Social Sciences section of my Honors classes on Wednesday morning, and Latin Wednesday afternoon. And the Humanities section of Honors on Friday morning. Sigh. I'm doomed.

Dailybooth And Traffic

Have you heard of dailybooth.com ? It's this website where you take a picture of yourself every day, and you can follow other people, and comment on people's daily pictures with either text or your own picture response. So you're kind of chronicling your life through daily pictures (that includes a caption, btw), and also interacting with other people at the same time. I think it's pretty cool. 

So on my way back to school earlier tonight, I hit some traffic that was stop and go for about 15 minutes along the Belt Parkway. It was ridiculous. Especially when we passed the reason for our traffic block: there had been a pretty nasty accident on THE OTHER SIDE of the median. In no way did this accident affect the flow of traffic on my side of the median. No random car parts that jumped the divider. Nothing. Just stupid fucking people slowing down so they could gawk at the smashed cars. Fuckers. So dumb. /rant.

Smile

Smile
though your heart is aching

smile
even though it's breaking

when there are clouds in the sky

you'll get by
if you
smile through your fear and sorrow

smile and maybe tomorrow

you'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness

hide every trace of sadness

although a tear maybe ever so near

that's the time you must keep on trying

smile
what's the use of crying

you'll find that life is stillworth while

if you'll just smile

I find this song incredibly beautiful. I loved it when Josh Groban sang it, I loved it when Glee did it, I love Nat King Cole's original. It's just a wonderful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps6ck1ejoAw&NR=1

Jumbled Out

The websites for UDel and WCU have been open on my computer for over a week now, and my WCU application is half done :)

I'm changing my path. I'm hoping it turns out well. 

My senior friends are under the impression that I'm not transferring (they don't read this blog) and I don't think I'm going to change their belief in that idea until I'm accepted somewhere else. For some reason, I don't think they'll understand completely my reasons for getting out. 

My mom is afraid that I will have just as much trouble somewhere else.

That break seemed to go by fast, but looking back it also seems like it started long ago. 

I still have to unpack. BAH. 

My lips are really chapped and I can't find my chapstick :(

I have a five page paper due at the end of this week on two books that I didn't read...

There are two chorus rehearsals this week. Our concert is next Tuesday. Craziness.

I really enjoyed talking to Abby on Friday and hanging out and talking with Sarah last night. I miss you guys. 

I miss indoor. I'm going to be so super jealous of all of you for the whole season. WANT.

Hard As I Try

I'm afraid to hope that anything will change. I was generally afraid before I got here that this would happen, but I still hoped and was kind of confident that it wouldn't. And see where that little bit of hope got me.

I lost my appetite. I lost my sense of self. I lost control of my emotions. 

My heart is about to shatter into a million pieces

burst out of my chest

I can't possibly hold this in anymore

Tight, full, bursting

Impossible

head in hands

pulling

head pounding

joining heart

aching

everything

pulling

The entire ordeal makes the urge to scream and yell and throw things much more apparent in my consciousness. 

I wish to sing. And I don't do it much anymore, save for choir once a week.

It is my fear that holds me, and it is my fear that I cannot seem to shake. No matter how many times the advice I receive calls for just such an action. It is the advice that makes me aware of the misunderstanding others have of my mind and self.

I wish to write. I have not done so in such a long time. I worry that I have chosen the wrong path, but what else is there to do?

I've been falling apart since last Thursday. Trying to stand, hit over and over. My thoughts became incoherent. I was too afraid to reach out directly, and was hit harder when I wasn't reached out to. I don't know what I need to get better, except the company that isn't here, so I'm just trying to stumble and crawl to the weekend to see Tom, my family, my friends. 

I'm miserable here. I'm not sure that I could ever be happy here. I'm going to start looking for a way out.

I fought depressive bouts a few times last fall/winter. This is so much more.

My mom texted me today:

Mom - Hi

Molly - Hi 

Mom - Hi. Is everything okay?

Molly - For the moment, yes. Had a rough weekend.

Mom - Do you wanna talk?

Molly - Can we talk when I get home Friday?

*a minute later she calls me*

"Well that was ominous. You know I can't wait til then"

*conversation*

I broke last night. Finally let a few tears escape me. I cried a little talking to my mom on the phone. I'll probably cry again when we talk on Friday. I'm crying now. I just want the tears to be done. I want to be happy again.