Hard As I Try

I'm afraid to hope that anything will change. I was generally afraid before I got here that this would happen, but I still hoped and was kind of confident that it wouldn't. And see where that little bit of hope got me.

I lost my appetite. I lost my sense of self. I lost control of my emotions. 

My heart is about to shatter into a million pieces

burst out of my chest

I can't possibly hold this in anymore

Tight, full, bursting

Impossible

head in hands

pulling

head pounding

joining heart

aching

everything

pulling

The entire ordeal makes the urge to scream and yell and throw things much more apparent in my consciousness. 

I wish to sing. And I don't do it much anymore, save for choir once a week.

It is my fear that holds me, and it is my fear that I cannot seem to shake. No matter how many times the advice I receive calls for just such an action. It is the advice that makes me aware of the misunderstanding others have of my mind and self.

I wish to write. I have not done so in such a long time. I worry that I have chosen the wrong path, but what else is there to do?

I've been falling apart since last Thursday. Trying to stand, hit over and over. My thoughts became incoherent. I was too afraid to reach out directly, and was hit harder when I wasn't reached out to. I don't know what I need to get better, except the company that isn't here, so I'm just trying to stumble and crawl to the weekend to see Tom, my family, my friends. 

I'm miserable here. I'm not sure that I could ever be happy here. I'm going to start looking for a way out.

I fought depressive bouts a few times last fall/winter. This is so much more.

My mom texted me today:

Mom - Hi

Molly - Hi 

Mom - Hi. Is everything okay?

Molly - For the moment, yes. Had a rough weekend.

Mom - Do you wanna talk?

Molly - Can we talk when I get home Friday?

*a minute later she calls me*

"Well that was ominous. You know I can't wait til then"

*conversation*

I broke last night. Finally let a few tears escape me. I cried a little talking to my mom on the phone. I'll probably cry again when we talk on Friday. I'm crying now. I just want the tears to be done. I want to be happy again.