In Which I Am A Depressed Idiot

My chest is tight, woven through with strings that keep me anchored, but also cut through my vital life.

My back is on fire, from the top of my neck to my shoulder blades, I'm not sure if I should be concerned by this pain yet...it's been three days, I'll give it a week.

There are always moments of happiness, in which I am brightened and alive, but moments pass, and the ones that follow dampen and darken my mind.

I can know that I'm okay, but the difference is in what I feel; and I can't seem to make that change for longer than those bright moments last. Perhaps it's the disconnection with friends that I am feeling, and simply how far away (figuratively) most of them are; it was yesterday I realized, again, that I actually don't have a best friend. There are definitely a few friends I would consider the only people I can turn to when I feel like this, but I'm not sure that I'm the first person they would turn to, and without the symbiotic relationship it's not the same. I'm lonely damnit. And I'm sad.

Gira Con Me Questa Notte

You know what's really heart-warming? When a friend that I only really speak to during the summer, and even then only the first two months of the season, reaches out to me to see if I'm okay.

So often, day to day, the world is fighting itself; how much good can outweigh the bad? It's a contest of competitive children; which grows tiresome, yet is somehow an endless game.

Listening to an artist on my iPod that I've been neglecting for a while feels like discovering something completely new, but familiar, and makes me wonder why I don't listen to this every day.

My fortune from yesterday: "You are admired by everyone for your talent and ability." How I wish this were true.

I have so much to talk about and I really want to write something, but for some reason I'm finding it extremely difficult to actually form words lately. It's actually distracting me in some of my classes, I just want to write random notes while I listen to the teacher talk, but I can't think of anything so instead I fidget and wish there was something to do other than just listen.

Have you ever sat next to someone who is your friend in one of your classes and not talked to them the entire time? Am I a terrible person for not engaging in conversation?

Messages

What I can and can't say out loud.

-You are the one that I want...but I haven't seen you in so long that it's kind of hard to remember why.
-You are the only one that mocks me in such a way that I actually feel stupid and belittled, I really wish you wouldn't. I don't want to be your friend anymore.
-I cannot believe how much happier I am when you are around.
-I'm so glad that we started to get to know each other better.
-No matter whose fault it is, the way things are won't change and it'll only get worse with distance.
-I really can't understand your mood swings, and how you can do that to people; actually, I do the same thing, I just hide it better. Maybe I'm just not brave enough to hurt someone.
-It's a good thing we keep each other sane, otherwise I might've left, and so would you.
-I want you to know that I think you will get everything you wish for and more, and I sincerely hope your life turns out nothing like what you fear.
-I found your note a while ago, and it's okay, I wrote one just like it. I couldn't live without you.
-I am almost never in the mood to talk to you these days and I blame you.
-I cannot wait for you to grow up and out of this annoying stage of youth.
-Shhh, you're my favorite, don't tell anyone.
-You worry me sometimes.
-I kind of wish we had connected enough for me to seek out your company now, but it's too late for it not to be awkward.
-Do you remember? I can't stop.
-You're beautiful, even if you are hurting deep inside, you can still be a magnificent person, and you are.
-Together, I can't stand you, come to think of it, can't stand you apart either. Sorry.
-I don't get to see you much anymore, and we don't talk much either, it makes me sad.
-Can you be my friend? Please?
-You can tell me, I swear I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to.

Why Am I Annoyed?

I watched this Youtube video once about internet vs. IRL friends. With the internet ones you can connect a lot faster, most likely you found each other through similar interests and can dive right in to a relationship. IRL friends come much more slowly, as you day by day gain information about who they are. Internet friends are also much easier to drop, one day you could just stop messaging them or whatever. With real life friends that's kind of difficult, you see this person on a daily basis, your other friends are friends with this person, and you'll feel like a right ass if you try to just drop them one day.

And therein lies my problem. I don't know how to stop being friends with someone. Last year we were fine, I got annoyed with her occasionally but it wasn't a big deal. All of a sudden at the beginning of this year, after not seeing her much over the summer, I really just didn't want to be friends anymore. Everything she did annoyed me, the way she talks to me in a condescending tone, the way she makes fun of me for the things I love, and the way she ignores me when there are other people around; it fucking hurts. So I talk to her less, but she's still always there, still friends with my other friends (who apparently don't see anything wrong, am I just mental?).

I'm starting to resent her and the interactions she has with my friends. I'm acting as if she's not allowed to be friends with them anymore or like anything that I already like because it's mine and I don't like her. Now that's selfish and immature, but I really can't help it.

Don't you wish you could just tell someone everything they've done to hurt you and have them fix it? Oh if only the world worked that way.

This is one reason I need to go to college, to get the fuck away from the people I just can't take anymore.

Future

I got my acceptance letter from Hofstra yesterday (you know, the one day I DON'T check the mail).

I am so uber excited, I almost can't believe it.

But I'm also a little scared; not to go away, but to take such a monumental stride towards my future. I only get to do this once and I would rather not screw it up.

I Try Not To

I was in Bath and Body Works earlier today, and tried some aromatherapy lotion called Optimism... I don't think it worked.

Especially because one PostSecret this week really hit me and I can't stop thinking about it. Not necessarily the first part, but the second: "Everywhere I look people have found someone to share their lives with. I don't think anyone is looking for me."

This does not go in accordance with my resolution to be happy.

But it certainly does help with the whole 'fear' thing for drumline.

Happy?

This was a comment on a Xanga post (yeah, I think I have a blog account on almost every major blog site and I only update these two) I made yesterday about how I got no sleep at all:

"You weren't "off" at all! Actually, you seemed much happier than you've been lately. I really liked it. I missed happy Molly! Were you actually happy? You never said, just that you were hyper. I hope you are happy, you deserve to be."

I'm not sure how to react to this, I mean, I'm glad she wants me to be happy, but I didn't realize that I appeared otherwise. Perhaps less energetic, less enthusiastic, less willing to talk in the mornings when we hang out in the library...okay, maybe I didn't appear happy. I don't know.

So this is a new resolution to myself: to be happier and more alive

Also, I got a guitar today, it's not in tune and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to effectively tune it, but still, one step closer to fulfilling my wish to relearn guitar. :D

Friendships

Drumline rehearsal today was particularly awesome. Lots of laughter and amazing music; and time only dragged from 11-12 because we had to work on our own and didn't really get much accomplished (and I was really hungry). I love Saturday rehearsals!

I was talking to Sarah and Chloe at one point about how, for some reason, I don't generally get angry or upset with any of my friends in the pit. Not once have I been in an argument with one of them or walked away in a stony, seething silence because of something they said to me. I am severely annoyed by a few members of our ensemble, but severe annoyance doesn't translate into anger or arguments, just...annoyance. This does and doesn't make sense to me. Why is it that I get into fights, give the silent treatment, or silently abuse some of my other friends and not the pit ones? Is it because of who the pit kids are as people, or is it through some twisted mentality of my own? Have I not known long enough/don't know enough about the pit kids to get to the stage that arguments start? Actually, I'll discount that last one, as I have really only known Becca as long as the pit kids and she has pissed me off multiple times this year. I am willing to go with the former of the former, that the pit kids are such likable and awesome people that I don't argue with them, but they occasionally argue and get mad at each other so...I'm not sure if that counts. And also, why doesn't anyone get mad at me? Not that it's a bad thing that they haven't, I'm just wondering.

This is why I wouldn't be a good psychologist, my mind runs in too many circles to actually make sense of why the mind acts the way it does. I think there is a section on relationships in the AP Psych class (I'm taking it next semester), so perhaps I will be able to figure this out with some new knowledge. Either way, I hope it continues like this, I love being on good terms with everybody. Oh no, what if I jinxed myself? hahaha.

Found Poem

Hey, I just found another writing journal that I started and didn't continue to write in (I feel so bad for trees right now). Generally, when I look back at my poems or bits of prose I remain unimpressed with myself. I don't know if this is because it really is mediocre, or if I'm just really judgmental because I'm the one who wrote it. Either way, here's one that I still kind of like...kind of:

my heart forgives the soul
for wandering close beyond.
without the smudged gray land
there arise the blue and black
though nothing to behold
and alas the world lies flat

I also just realized, I don't rhyme very often in my poetry. I wonder if this is some sort of mental quirk that gives insight in to what kind of person that makes me, because I don't do it on purpose, it just doesn't happen.

Subconscious Intent

I don't know why, but I have a habit of putting pens in my mouth and holding them in a way that makes it looks like I'm smoking.

On New Years Eve, my grandmother was drunk and she was playing with her wine glass and somehow ended up splashing it all over me, the table and the floor. I got no sympathy. It stained the nice, cute shirt dress I was wearing, and made the thigh of my jean leggings wet and uncomfortable, and caused the hair tie on my wrist to smell of wine. I went to the bathroom to try and dry it somewhat, it didn't really work. I ended up going to the basement (the only room with no one in it), wrote a poem to calm myself, and then read an article I found on Yahoo News about Zunes that all mysteriously crashed at midnight the night before. I went back upstairs smelling of wine, but considerably calmer. My family is great, but New Years Eve night was not all that enjoyable, I missed my friends too much.

I keep forgetting to breathe.

I can't tell if I'm just really exhausted or if I'm just really melancholic.

Last night, I felt like crying when I couldn't get that scale in the transition.

I hate when I'm sitting at our group table in Lit and Becca is turned towards Jenna talking to her and I can't hear what she's saying. I hate the times in the hallway when there's three people and the person in the middle turns to the person on their opposite side, I end up walking behind and they look at me as if I should join the conversation when that clearly isn't working. Doesn't anyone realize how annoying it is?

The song I keep forgetting I love until I hear it again: 3x5 by John Mayer.

What I Want To Do

2008 was a pretty decent year. I visited England, Ireland, and Wales; and despite the drama within my delegation, I enjoyed it immensely and wish to return there asap, perhaps even live there for a time. I met John Green, one of my favorite authors. I became a crazed Wizard Rock fan and got a picture with two of my favorite artists (Alex Carpenter and Lauren Fairweather); and attended NYC Wrock Festival and the Bryn Mawr Yule Ball. I strengthened some friendships and weakened others, both on purpose and by the power of circumstance.

I want 2009 to be better than anything I've ever experienced.

Things that I wish to accomplish before the year's end:
- graduate with mostly A's (damn physics and gov)
- get accepted in to a college (I use my pessimism to purposely crush my optimism so I'm not disappointed with how this might turn out)
- take the best road trip ever (hello California)
- meet John Green again and actually form the words to tell him how much I love his books and what they mean to me
- relearn how to play the guitar (and possibly buy one for myself)
- put music to my poetry
- make Youtube videos and make friends with people on Youtube
- smoke weed (I'm curious and I figure everyone needs to try it at least once, right?)
- watch all of Doctor Who
- attend Wrockstock '09
- write more and actually finish my novel for NaNoWriMo '09
- read 50 books (I tried this for 2008 and I was 14 books shy)
- write something meaningful on the wall of one stall in every girl's bathroom in the school
- be a better person, more sure of myself, less doubtful of others. View others as the complex beings that they are and stop projecting my own ideas of who they should be onto them. Love more people, love myself more, and actually carry out the plans that I think of instead of keeping them as dreams.

I might think of more later, this was just off the top of my head.