It's the Bitch of Living

I really need to focus right now. I have to write a summary about an article en francais pour mon examen a demain. And I need to memorize it so that I can present it to Madame. I would really like to pass and be exempt from the final, but at this rate, I'll be lucky with a B. I've already accepted the fact I won't get my honor cords for French Honor Society (aka the only reason I'm in French 5); though when I think about it I'm actually really pissed off. But just because I've accepted the fact that I won't be able to, doesn't mean I need to stop being angry about it. I would be less pissed if everyone in French 5 this year was on the same level, but we're not, because half of us have Madame Dubnansky which is a fucking joke of a language class, if you don't get above a 100 in there, you are truly an idiot. But since Madame Ruutianen (or whatever how you spell that) is an ACTUAL teacher, I'm the one who has to suffer for the fact that we haven't actually been learning French these past 3 years and suddenly need to apply it. How is that fair? Since they have an easy teacher, they'll get the honor cords, but because I am really learning French for the first time in high school I CAN'T WEAR THE CORDS, all because I am two percentage points away from an A. And Jenna has the fucking nerve to complain about Madame Dubnansky! Who will get to wear the honor cords and will easily be exempt from their final? Certainly not I. My head is in a fog right now, there is no way my summary will make any sense. And I'm sorry that most of this entry is a psychotic babbling of annoyance, and I've avoided the proper use of the English language for a good portion. I'm just...I don't even know.

On the other hand, I had a lovely afternoon. It made me remember why I was friends with Becca in the first place, and as always, reminded me why I love Donna so much. Out of all my senior friends, I will miss Donna the most; she makes me laugh no matter how I'm feeling and even when I don't want to, she's my soulmate for various crazy reasons, she never makes me feel like an idiot, and she gives some of the best hugs I've ever had. I can imagine letting go of Jenna (I already have), Rebecca, Hana, Emily, Alycia, Chelsea, and all my friends/acquaintances that exist in my grade; but never Donna. And all the others were important, certainly, I'm not saying that they aren't, because without them I wouldn't be who I am and I certainly love talking to most of them. But when we move away to various parts of the country, it simply won't be as difficult to just fondly look back on those memories without wishing they were there (I'm not sure that made sense). I have a few months to go before any of this happens, but you know, as it is right now, I can't not think about what it will be like. (and I didn't mention those of you in the grades below mine because that is an entirely different story, one that I don't wish to become sentimental about at the moment) I don't think I can ever prepare myself for what it's going to be like when I go away or when others go away, it's best to be ready to move on, but honestly, all that I just said, is kind of unfathomable in the way that I can't believe it will actually happen yet. And I don't think I will until it actually does. Just like I could not believe that I was really going to England until the plane had landed and I was there. A trip that had been planned for months really didn't come to fruition in my mind, any readiness I thought myself capable of was impossible, until it truly happened. This is just like that I suppose, and I won't know until it happens what it will be that I'll miss the most. It's hard to live day to day, when all this year is about is what will happen to your future. I can't stop myself from looking ahead. (Although I am managing to be in complete denial that drumline will end a month from now, I don't think I can handle that)

This entry was just supposed to be me ranting about French and now look what it's turned in to. *sigh* Sorry for the crazy rambling/ranting. I am so DONE.