Jumbled Out

The websites for UDel and WCU have been open on my computer for over a week now, and my WCU application is half done :)

I'm changing my path. I'm hoping it turns out well. 

My senior friends are under the impression that I'm not transferring (they don't read this blog) and I don't think I'm going to change their belief in that idea until I'm accepted somewhere else. For some reason, I don't think they'll understand completely my reasons for getting out. 

My mom is afraid that I will have just as much trouble somewhere else.

That break seemed to go by fast, but looking back it also seems like it started long ago. 

I still have to unpack. BAH. 

My lips are really chapped and I can't find my chapstick :(

I have a five page paper due at the end of this week on two books that I didn't read...

There are two chorus rehearsals this week. Our concert is next Tuesday. Craziness.

I really enjoyed talking to Abby on Friday and hanging out and talking with Sarah last night. I miss you guys. 

I miss indoor. I'm going to be so super jealous of all of you for the whole season. WANT.

Hard As I Try

I'm afraid to hope that anything will change. I was generally afraid before I got here that this would happen, but I still hoped and was kind of confident that it wouldn't. And see where that little bit of hope got me.

I lost my appetite. I lost my sense of self. I lost control of my emotions. 

My heart is about to shatter into a million pieces

burst out of my chest

I can't possibly hold this in anymore

Tight, full, bursting

Impossible

head in hands

pulling

head pounding

joining heart

aching

everything

pulling

The entire ordeal makes the urge to scream and yell and throw things much more apparent in my consciousness. 

I wish to sing. And I don't do it much anymore, save for choir once a week.

It is my fear that holds me, and it is my fear that I cannot seem to shake. No matter how many times the advice I receive calls for just such an action. It is the advice that makes me aware of the misunderstanding others have of my mind and self.

I wish to write. I have not done so in such a long time. I worry that I have chosen the wrong path, but what else is there to do?

I've been falling apart since last Thursday. Trying to stand, hit over and over. My thoughts became incoherent. I was too afraid to reach out directly, and was hit harder when I wasn't reached out to. I don't know what I need to get better, except the company that isn't here, so I'm just trying to stumble and crawl to the weekend to see Tom, my family, my friends. 

I'm miserable here. I'm not sure that I could ever be happy here. I'm going to start looking for a way out.

I fought depressive bouts a few times last fall/winter. This is so much more.

My mom texted me today:

Mom - Hi

Molly - Hi 

Mom - Hi. Is everything okay?

Molly - For the moment, yes. Had a rough weekend.

Mom - Do you wanna talk?

Molly - Can we talk when I get home Friday?

*a minute later she calls me*

"Well that was ominous. You know I can't wait til then"

*conversation*

I broke last night. Finally let a few tears escape me. I cried a little talking to my mom on the phone. I'll probably cry again when we talk on Friday. I'm crying now. I just want the tears to be done. I want to be happy again.

Book Panel at Books of Wonder

Woot! Another book panel! (set on Tuesday the 10th)

Scott Westerfeld was at this one as well (and he is also the reason I found out about it (the day before (thank you Twitter))), and so were authors Justine Larbalestier (Scott's wife and author of Liar), Libba Bray (Gemma Doyle series and Going Bovine), Kristin Cashore!! (Graceling and Fire), and Suzanne Collins!!! (The Hunger Games series!). 

I got there about forty-five minutes before the event started and bought Fire and received a number for the signing after the panel. There were already quite a few people there, and all the chairs were filled, though this does not say much since there were only about twenty chairs. I stationed myself next to a bookshelf right behind the chairs on the left side, it was quite the perfect view. I decided not to move from this spot so that I may retain this view, which turned out to be a very wise decision because there ended up being near a hundred people there (please note, Books of Wonder isn't all that big, so it was a bit cramped, haha). 

The panel proceeded as such: each author introduced themselves and explained a bit about their newest books, and then there was a Q & A, and then a book signing. Justine's introduction was most notable:

Justine: Hi, I'm Justine Larbalestier.

Libba: Woo!!

Justine: And Libba Bray is my best friend. Scott is my husband. Kristin is my new lover.

Scott: Woo!! 

*laughter*

Scott: Oh, too soon?

Justine: And Suzanne is my other best friend.

Suzanne *whispering*: We just met.

Kristin: I just met her as well.

Hahaha, brilliant.

Another good moment:

Random Girl In the Crowd: This question is for Scott and Justine: What's it like living with another writer? And which one of you is the better author?

*crowd proceeds to laugh, catcall, etc*

Justine answers the first question, saying how wonderful it is to have the constant feedback and such things when they read to each other. Though she explains that when Scott reads she is very animated in her reactions, while when she reads to him he remains expressionless, taking notes, commenting in a monotone when something is funny. Her impression of him was quite amusing. Justine leaves it up to Scott to answer the second question.

Scott (paraphrased/shortened): Justine's novel is like pure poetry, and I could never write such wonderful lines and passages as she does. However! I do write kick ass action scenes.

At another point an audience member asked Suzanne if she could reveal the title of her third book, to which she had to reply no, as her agent was in the back and shook her head vigorously at her, hahaha. 

Many of the people in attendance were female, and almost everyone was there foremost for Suzanne and secondly for the other authors (it was the only fall appearance Suzanne was doing). 

Sadly I didn't get to take pictures with any of the authors, I didn't want to hold anyone up. And the line for Suzanne was so long that I just exchanged greetings with her. But I did get to talk to Kristin a bit. I told her how much I loved Graceling, and that I looked forward to reading Fire quite a lot. I also joked with her about when her next book was coming out. Haha. She was so sweet :)

~ * ~

I just finished Fire today. IT WAS WONDERFUL. I loved it. I really did not want to part with the characters so soon, wishing instead that I could read their stories forever. But alas...

Drafts (a few of the things I've written before and never posted)

It's cool how interesting discussion class got when we started talking about the Qur'an, especially in relation to Boethius. I love it. I love how interesting the concepts are, especially of God existing in the eternal present. I might make a post involving things I wrote about in my seminar paper. So fucking cool.

Three mallet instruments, two sets of wood blocks, and I'm stuck playing the triangle and a few Snapple bottles filled with water.

I don't get there early because I don't want to sit alone.

Right now I wish I didn't have any friends, then I wouldn't have to hide how lonely I am.

Okay. Really. If you had heard the phone conversation that I did tonight, you would understand why I didn't comfort my stupid roommate when her boyfriend broke up with her. Jesus christ. I just don't understand what goes through her mind. Nor do I understand why she tells her friends such things on the phone when I'm here and I can't help but to hear every word because she talks SO DAMN LOUD. sigh.

Our teacher called my music class a mixture between Star Wars and Barney because of the sociological spin we want to put on our final project.

the world is bright

and the darkness lies beneath

It's sudden, the constant backdrop of feelings taking effect for a turn or two. 

Ahh, I'm in such a weird mood. Not sad exactly. Not happy. Not annoyed (excepting how annoyed I am but not understanding what the hell this is). I feel like jumping off something, running really fast, laying on my bed and not moving, writing epics, I need a hug. 

Do you realize how unbelievably frustrating you are? Augh. Just tell me what you want to fucking say already, so we can both move on. 

I don't much care how busy you are, you can't use it as an excuse to forget about me. Sorry.

Aw, you feel left out? Well so do I, bitch.

The Why and How of Friendships

I've tried, really, I've gone to a few events in my dorm building, I've talked to people in my honors classes and music class, but even after all that I think I've forgotten how to make new friends... When you really stop to think about it, how do you make friends? I don't even know. I feel like all my friendships just...happened. One day we're acquaintances just talkin to each other, and the next, we're friends. Where is that key moment? What has to click? 

I'm not sure I can base my research on making friends on the friendships I've made through the pit. I think that was a once happening type thing, and it won't work that way again. Pretty much all I did there was hang around a lot, didn't talk much (mostly just laughed to myself), acclimating myself to the types of people in the group, just BEING there until people started to notice and remember me. But that can't really work here, there aren't close-knit parties I can sit-in on, there isn't a singular activity that we bond over, there isn't a group that I can just start to follow around until I'm suddenly part of it. And aside from that, it took me over two years to ACTUALLY be friends with those people. I can't decide if it was because of the group of people I was trying to break in to, or because I was playing the balancing act to keep two very separate groups of friends (kind of dropped the ball on that one for a bit though, didn't I?), or both.

And my friendships before that time are too early on to remember the beginning of, though I know Jenna and I became friends through working on some project in Social Studies together. And with Jenny it was from homeroom in sixth grade and our little group of new kids. But sixth grade was also one of the less enjoyable years of my life; Jenny and I were in constant fights, and generally I was not terribly close with anyone else, though I hung out with the same people before school every day (Jenny, Wendy, Hetty, etc (I rocked out the Asian friends, hahaha)) and we occasionally met up after school too. And any earlier times of new friendships are lost to me, though I had and can recall many friends in elementary school and at summer camp/swim team.

Friendships have been too gradual to trace, too rocky to follow, too smooth to remember the exact moment. I've fought to break in, fought to keep, fought and lost. I've faded in and faded out. I observed, I blended, I spoke. 

Suppose every time is new, it's different. But why and how? And what am I supposed to do?