The Universe

There is no possible way to think about all the circumstances that led to where you are right now without your head exploding. Just saying.

Humans are amazing. When you really think about it. Even after you think about all the shitty stuff we've done, we're pretty fucking amazing. I stole this from another blog I read:

"Richard Dawkins said that all of the circumstances that led to our being alive, all put together, are so unlikely to happen – my mum could have just not slept with my dad, or a different sperm could have got through, or they’d have never met because my mum chose not to work at the bakery, or a million other things. Someone else could have been here instead of me, and it’s likely that these unborn ‘ghosts’ that never will be would include better musicians than Mozart, better writers than Shakespeare; and yet, I’m the one who gets his little moment to do things in his brief time on this planet.

....

So we’ve evolved to a point where we can put strings on wood and make sounds, and change the shapes of our fingers to put like sounds together, and then here I am all this time later, listening to Green Day do just that – IN MY EARS! That’s AMAZING! So even though the scope of my existence doesn’t accommodate a supreme being, I still have plenty of reasons to look at the things around me with wonder."

He was talking about being an atheist and other such related things. And while I'm still sitting in the camp of being agnostic, his post made a lot of sense, and it also blew my mind because I was trying to comprehend how fucking crazy awesome the universe is to have culminated into this very moment, right now.

It's pretty cool.

On a side note: I have not studied for any finals as of yet. I have my Social Sciences section of my Honors classes on Wednesday morning, and Latin Wednesday afternoon. And the Humanities section of Honors on Friday morning. Sigh. I'm doomed.

Dailybooth And Traffic

Have you heard of dailybooth.com ? It's this website where you take a picture of yourself every day, and you can follow other people, and comment on people's daily pictures with either text or your own picture response. So you're kind of chronicling your life through daily pictures (that includes a caption, btw), and also interacting with other people at the same time. I think it's pretty cool. 

So on my way back to school earlier tonight, I hit some traffic that was stop and go for about 15 minutes along the Belt Parkway. It was ridiculous. Especially when we passed the reason for our traffic block: there had been a pretty nasty accident on THE OTHER SIDE of the median. In no way did this accident affect the flow of traffic on my side of the median. No random car parts that jumped the divider. Nothing. Just stupid fucking people slowing down so they could gawk at the smashed cars. Fuckers. So dumb. /rant.

Smile

Smile
though your heart is aching

smile
even though it's breaking

when there are clouds in the sky

you'll get by
if you
smile through your fear and sorrow

smile and maybe tomorrow

you'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness

hide every trace of sadness

although a tear maybe ever so near

that's the time you must keep on trying

smile
what's the use of crying

you'll find that life is stillworth while

if you'll just smile

I find this song incredibly beautiful. I loved it when Josh Groban sang it, I loved it when Glee did it, I love Nat King Cole's original. It's just a wonderful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps6ck1ejoAw&NR=1

Jumbled Out

The websites for UDel and WCU have been open on my computer for over a week now, and my WCU application is half done :)

I'm changing my path. I'm hoping it turns out well. 

My senior friends are under the impression that I'm not transferring (they don't read this blog) and I don't think I'm going to change their belief in that idea until I'm accepted somewhere else. For some reason, I don't think they'll understand completely my reasons for getting out. 

My mom is afraid that I will have just as much trouble somewhere else.

That break seemed to go by fast, but looking back it also seems like it started long ago. 

I still have to unpack. BAH. 

My lips are really chapped and I can't find my chapstick :(

I have a five page paper due at the end of this week on two books that I didn't read...

There are two chorus rehearsals this week. Our concert is next Tuesday. Craziness.

I really enjoyed talking to Abby on Friday and hanging out and talking with Sarah last night. I miss you guys. 

I miss indoor. I'm going to be so super jealous of all of you for the whole season. WANT.

Hard As I Try

I'm afraid to hope that anything will change. I was generally afraid before I got here that this would happen, but I still hoped and was kind of confident that it wouldn't. And see where that little bit of hope got me.

I lost my appetite. I lost my sense of self. I lost control of my emotions. 

My heart is about to shatter into a million pieces

burst out of my chest

I can't possibly hold this in anymore

Tight, full, bursting

Impossible

head in hands

pulling

head pounding

joining heart

aching

everything

pulling

The entire ordeal makes the urge to scream and yell and throw things much more apparent in my consciousness. 

I wish to sing. And I don't do it much anymore, save for choir once a week.

It is my fear that holds me, and it is my fear that I cannot seem to shake. No matter how many times the advice I receive calls for just such an action. It is the advice that makes me aware of the misunderstanding others have of my mind and self.

I wish to write. I have not done so in such a long time. I worry that I have chosen the wrong path, but what else is there to do?

I've been falling apart since last Thursday. Trying to stand, hit over and over. My thoughts became incoherent. I was too afraid to reach out directly, and was hit harder when I wasn't reached out to. I don't know what I need to get better, except the company that isn't here, so I'm just trying to stumble and crawl to the weekend to see Tom, my family, my friends. 

I'm miserable here. I'm not sure that I could ever be happy here. I'm going to start looking for a way out.

I fought depressive bouts a few times last fall/winter. This is so much more.

My mom texted me today:

Mom - Hi

Molly - Hi 

Mom - Hi. Is everything okay?

Molly - For the moment, yes. Had a rough weekend.

Mom - Do you wanna talk?

Molly - Can we talk when I get home Friday?

*a minute later she calls me*

"Well that was ominous. You know I can't wait til then"

*conversation*

I broke last night. Finally let a few tears escape me. I cried a little talking to my mom on the phone. I'll probably cry again when we talk on Friday. I'm crying now. I just want the tears to be done. I want to be happy again.

Book Panel at Books of Wonder

Woot! Another book panel! (set on Tuesday the 10th)

Scott Westerfeld was at this one as well (and he is also the reason I found out about it (the day before (thank you Twitter))), and so were authors Justine Larbalestier (Scott's wife and author of Liar), Libba Bray (Gemma Doyle series and Going Bovine), Kristin Cashore!! (Graceling and Fire), and Suzanne Collins!!! (The Hunger Games series!). 

I got there about forty-five minutes before the event started and bought Fire and received a number for the signing after the panel. There were already quite a few people there, and all the chairs were filled, though this does not say much since there were only about twenty chairs. I stationed myself next to a bookshelf right behind the chairs on the left side, it was quite the perfect view. I decided not to move from this spot so that I may retain this view, which turned out to be a very wise decision because there ended up being near a hundred people there (please note, Books of Wonder isn't all that big, so it was a bit cramped, haha). 

The panel proceeded as such: each author introduced themselves and explained a bit about their newest books, and then there was a Q & A, and then a book signing. Justine's introduction was most notable:

Justine: Hi, I'm Justine Larbalestier.

Libba: Woo!!

Justine: And Libba Bray is my best friend. Scott is my husband. Kristin is my new lover.

Scott: Woo!! 

*laughter*

Scott: Oh, too soon?

Justine: And Suzanne is my other best friend.

Suzanne *whispering*: We just met.

Kristin: I just met her as well.

Hahaha, brilliant.

Another good moment:

Random Girl In the Crowd: This question is for Scott and Justine: What's it like living with another writer? And which one of you is the better author?

*crowd proceeds to laugh, catcall, etc*

Justine answers the first question, saying how wonderful it is to have the constant feedback and such things when they read to each other. Though she explains that when Scott reads she is very animated in her reactions, while when she reads to him he remains expressionless, taking notes, commenting in a monotone when something is funny. Her impression of him was quite amusing. Justine leaves it up to Scott to answer the second question.

Scott (paraphrased/shortened): Justine's novel is like pure poetry, and I could never write such wonderful lines and passages as she does. However! I do write kick ass action scenes.

At another point an audience member asked Suzanne if she could reveal the title of her third book, to which she had to reply no, as her agent was in the back and shook her head vigorously at her, hahaha. 

Many of the people in attendance were female, and almost everyone was there foremost for Suzanne and secondly for the other authors (it was the only fall appearance Suzanne was doing). 

Sadly I didn't get to take pictures with any of the authors, I didn't want to hold anyone up. And the line for Suzanne was so long that I just exchanged greetings with her. But I did get to talk to Kristin a bit. I told her how much I loved Graceling, and that I looked forward to reading Fire quite a lot. I also joked with her about when her next book was coming out. Haha. She was so sweet :)

~ * ~

I just finished Fire today. IT WAS WONDERFUL. I loved it. I really did not want to part with the characters so soon, wishing instead that I could read their stories forever. But alas...

Drafts (a few of the things I've written before and never posted)

It's cool how interesting discussion class got when we started talking about the Qur'an, especially in relation to Boethius. I love it. I love how interesting the concepts are, especially of God existing in the eternal present. I might make a post involving things I wrote about in my seminar paper. So fucking cool.

Three mallet instruments, two sets of wood blocks, and I'm stuck playing the triangle and a few Snapple bottles filled with water.

I don't get there early because I don't want to sit alone.

Right now I wish I didn't have any friends, then I wouldn't have to hide how lonely I am.

Okay. Really. If you had heard the phone conversation that I did tonight, you would understand why I didn't comfort my stupid roommate when her boyfriend broke up with her. Jesus christ. I just don't understand what goes through her mind. Nor do I understand why she tells her friends such things on the phone when I'm here and I can't help but to hear every word because she talks SO DAMN LOUD. sigh.

Our teacher called my music class a mixture between Star Wars and Barney because of the sociological spin we want to put on our final project.

the world is bright

and the darkness lies beneath

It's sudden, the constant backdrop of feelings taking effect for a turn or two. 

Ahh, I'm in such a weird mood. Not sad exactly. Not happy. Not annoyed (excepting how annoyed I am but not understanding what the hell this is). I feel like jumping off something, running really fast, laying on my bed and not moving, writing epics, I need a hug. 

Do you realize how unbelievably frustrating you are? Augh. Just tell me what you want to fucking say already, so we can both move on. 

I don't much care how busy you are, you can't use it as an excuse to forget about me. Sorry.

Aw, you feel left out? Well so do I, bitch.

The Why and How of Friendships

I've tried, really, I've gone to a few events in my dorm building, I've talked to people in my honors classes and music class, but even after all that I think I've forgotten how to make new friends... When you really stop to think about it, how do you make friends? I don't even know. I feel like all my friendships just...happened. One day we're acquaintances just talkin to each other, and the next, we're friends. Where is that key moment? What has to click? 

I'm not sure I can base my research on making friends on the friendships I've made through the pit. I think that was a once happening type thing, and it won't work that way again. Pretty much all I did there was hang around a lot, didn't talk much (mostly just laughed to myself), acclimating myself to the types of people in the group, just BEING there until people started to notice and remember me. But that can't really work here, there aren't close-knit parties I can sit-in on, there isn't a singular activity that we bond over, there isn't a group that I can just start to follow around until I'm suddenly part of it. And aside from that, it took me over two years to ACTUALLY be friends with those people. I can't decide if it was because of the group of people I was trying to break in to, or because I was playing the balancing act to keep two very separate groups of friends (kind of dropped the ball on that one for a bit though, didn't I?), or both.

And my friendships before that time are too early on to remember the beginning of, though I know Jenna and I became friends through working on some project in Social Studies together. And with Jenny it was from homeroom in sixth grade and our little group of new kids. But sixth grade was also one of the less enjoyable years of my life; Jenny and I were in constant fights, and generally I was not terribly close with anyone else, though I hung out with the same people before school every day (Jenny, Wendy, Hetty, etc (I rocked out the Asian friends, hahaha)) and we occasionally met up after school too. And any earlier times of new friendships are lost to me, though I had and can recall many friends in elementary school and at summer camp/swim team.

Friendships have been too gradual to trace, too rocky to follow, too smooth to remember the exact moment. I've fought to break in, fought to keep, fought and lost. I've faded in and faded out. I observed, I blended, I spoke. 

Suppose every time is new, it's different. But why and how? And what am I supposed to do?

Pulled Over

So Sunday night I drove from my house to Hofstra. Aside from being stuck in traffic, I was doing really well up until I got to New York. I misinterpreted the directions and got off at the wrong exit, so I got a little stressed and called my dad and he tried to help me get where I needed to be. Unfortunately, while I was on the phone with him a cop pulled up behind me at a stoplight and consequently pulled me over.  I hung up on my dad and dropped the phone into my lap. Before I could really help it, my eyes teared up and my throat closed. The cop came over and told me that I was pulled over cause I was on the phone. I explained, or rather, tried to explain through my closed throat and shortened breath, that I was lost and I had had to call my dad so he could tell me where to go. Several times the cop told me to calm down and there was no need to get worked up. Haha, I was trying, really, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't full out crying, but it was pretty damn close. His partner came over and called him a softie cause he wasn't going to give me a ticket. And instead he explained what I had to do, and then told me to just follow him and he would show me how to get back on the Belt Pkwy. So I guess tears really do work on police officers, though it wasn't intentional, and I guess the fact that I had a legit reason to be on the phone kinda helped too. So I followed him, and even then was still trying to stop myself from crying, and from there finished out the rest of my directions without a problem. Thank you police officer.

Book Panel (an account)

Last night I went to a book panel that included authors who write in the genre of Post-Apocalyptic teen fiction, the four authors were Scott Westerfeld (Uglies series, Midnighters series, Peeps, Leviathan), Carrie Ryan (Forest of Hands and Teeth), James Dashner (Maze Runner), and Michael Grant (Gone series). I braved the subway alone for the first time, managed to fuck it up a bit, but ended up okay, it wasn't particularly scary or confusing (the reason I fucked up was because I couldn't hear or see out the window which station we were at and only realized how far wrong I had gone when I was in Queens...).

The event was in a Barnes and Noble on 86th and Lexington Ave. Now, this Barnes and Noble is probably the one of the most amazing bookstores I've ever walked in to, it was huge!! Even bigger than the Borders on 7th Ave outside Madison Square Garden. It was also all underground, when you go in the entrance you walk down this huge open staircase to the first level of the store. The Event space was in a room on lowest level of the store, in the back corner. I bought Leviathan and Maze Runner before heading down the stairs to the space, I ended up sitting in the front row, pretty much directly across from Scott Westerfeld (though his chair was on a raised stage thing). It was amazing. Before the event started, the authors were just talking to each other, and people they knew (other authors and editors) kept coming up and saying hi. I was just in awe. How much I wish that were me. Scott also looked up at one point and smiled at me when we accidentally made eye contact. 

The panel itself was pretty cool, each author talked about their new books and projects before there was a Q & A. Some of the questions were about their individual writing process (Michael Grant enjoys torturing his editors because he generally doesn't know what'll happen next, haha, he's writing a six book series. Oh, and he thinks that the idea that JKRowling planned out every book before she started is complete bull), about writing for teen readers, about why they started writing about a post-apocalyptic world (Scott said that it was sort of the perfect opportunity to act on teenage frustration at the world, parents and establishments, because how great would it be if you could just make that all disappear and start anew to start over? It was also interesting to explore the mentality. James made the point that unlike completely fantastical works (like Harry Potter), this could actually happen, which I thought was a bloody brilliant point, haha, maybe that's why it's so fascinating). 

A few other funny moments

- Carrie Ryan, giving an example of not really knowing what'll happen: "If I get all my characters up in a tree, and I don't know what to do next and how to get them out, I set the tree on fire"

- Scott Westerfeld, while showing a picture his illustrator used for inspiration (imagine a bicycle, with legs instead of wheels): "This is an [insert Italian words here], which is Italian for 'Totally Fucking Insane'"

After the panel was a book signing. Having sat in the front row of the middle section, I was the first in line to get my books signed :) First I got Scott Westerfeld to sign Leviathan, I very much wish I had my Midnighters books here with me so I could've brought them too. I also got a picture with him. When we were talking while he signed my book he asked me if I had read it yet (I haven't, haha), and then he asked me if we'd met before (sadly, we haven't), which was funny, and he also complimented my rainboots. Then I got my copy of Maze Runner signed by James Dashner. I got a fist bump from him because I told him that I bought his book after reading an excerpt online when I found out he'd be at the panel too, so that was amazing. We also talked about The Hunger Games and how crazy amazing it was, and how we couldn't believe the cliff-hanger ending in the sequel. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture with him, since I was the first in line I didn't want to hold up everyone behind me, and he was in the middle of the table instead on the end like Scott was (which is how I easily got a picture with him). He was really nice though, I was glad I got to talk to him :)

I'm hoping to find way more author events here, probably one of the most magnificent things about being close to the city.

Gunned

It's my second train, LIRR from Penn Station to Mineola. It's not too late. The train leaves at 9:25. I sit in the largest part of the car, close to the middle. A man of questionable sanity is causing a disturbance in the smaller compartment to the back. My headphones are on, I don't hear much. We reach our next station, the transfer hub that is Jamaica. A few officers stand outside the train. The man is gone from the train. The ticket collector is questioned. Halfway to our next destination we stop. My headphones are on, I don't hear much. We have to go backwards and be rerouted. A minute in the wrong direction, we stop again. Other trains pass on the right. Shots, heavy, loud popping sounds, and they're hitting the train. My headphones are on, I hear it perfectly. The windows across the aisle from my seat show the effects. Splatters of orange, starting from a center point and arranged in a messy circle. Everyone stares toward the disturbance, heads above the seats. My train car has just been hit with the workings of a paintball gun. I laugh.

Sugar Coats

I may have joined crew today, just waiting for the email to see if I actually can. I think I might actually enjoy it, I always thought it looked really cool when I saw it on the Olympics....and it's also sort of a desperate attempt to somehow make friends.....and it rhymes with TRUE.

It was ridiculously windy today. Like, the-wind-will-knock-you-to-the-ground sort of windy. Twas pretty awesome.

In case anyone was unaware....I really need friends, it's starting to get sad (well...I guess it already was, but seriously? a month without. sigh). Rebecca said that Hofstra must be some sort of alternate universe because she doesn't understand how no one is friends with me yet. Which was sweet of her to say. And I'm starting to agree.

Irony: the longer I go without social interaction, the more anti-social I prefer to be. You'd think I'd be going out of my way trying to find some sort of connection with people, but I'm really just done with the whole idea. 

whateverthefuck

rawr. rawr. rawr. BAH

Are we friends? I'm confused. What do you want from me?!

All you can do is trust that I'll figure it out, I know you wish you could do more.

SHUT UP. shutupshutupshutup

All I want, is to be able to come home, into your arms, that's where I belong. I love you.

Just have fun. Everything will be fine. I promise.

Are you okay?

I miss you :( I miss all of you, together.

I don't know how to help you, you need to tell me more.

Thank you for letting me talk to you this afternoon :)

Not to be mean, but I would like to know if there is anyone from my class who went to college and is not having fun. Just want to know that I'm not alone. Is it bad to hope someone else is like me?

For some reason I didn't think that I would procrastinate as much in college as I did in high school. I don't know what made me think that my habits would change...hahaha.

SEPTEMBER ISN'T EVEN OVER YET. what the fuck. rawr. SO DONE.

AUGH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FUCK. 

Haha, I write so many blogs that I don't post. You should see how many drafts I have...ridiculous.

I'm really frustrated with everything. I don't even want to list it all. I'm glad I'm still a teenager, cause this whole angsty teen bit really wouldn't do otherwise. I kinda want to throw things...

I don't feel like being coherent. Sorry. Haha.

Realization

Nothing is changing.

It's so BORING. 

I've realized that's what this is. Why I'm tired and apathetic.

I do the same goddamn thing every fucking day.

The problem: I don't want to do anything differently. Nothing is appealing when you have to do it alone. rawr.

On another note, this past weekend ended up being awesome, if a bit stressful to begin with. Thank you Sarah, Lexie and Abby for letting me crash in on your plans for the day/night :) Love you :D

-------------an hour later------------------

Just got off the phone with my dad (also talked to my mom before that, haha).

I miss my family.

sigh.

Always, The Days Change

My music is always too loud.

The desk and chair and bed are always a mess.

The hallway is always empty.

The words are always the same.

The meaning is always there.

Today I saw a two guys holding hands. It made me smile the entire way back to my dorm.

Yesterday the sun warmed the air, but I still wore a jacket.

Tonight I started writing.

Last night I drowned out the world, exhausted.

The situation has yet to change, but I remember who I am now, and there is hope.

Tears

It's not the tears that I hate

the way they make my eyes burn and sting

the way I can't seem to breathe 

the way my throat closes up, tight and unyielding

the way I can't quite seem to stop

No

It's not the tears that I hate

It's the pain in my heart

I wouldn't mind crying, if it didn't hurt so bad.

Seriously?

Only a week?

Slowest week of my life. I don't think I can survive a semester like this.

Today I...

talked to an exchange student from the Netherlands

realized that I'm not making any lasting friendships. every conversation lasts a short time. every group I try to join ends up with me on the edges, tagging along, not talking. and friends I make one day are not the same people I talk to the next for whatever reason.

saw In the Heights, twas good

wandered Times Square alone, took the train alone, explore Borders and sat outside by Madison Square Gardens...alone...(you see the pattern?)

bought the best smoothie ever

also bought a Josh Groban songbook :D (yeah, that was the highlight of my day)

was fighting a bout of depression all day at the same time as not admitting to myself that that's what it was

I know that it's only the fourth day that I've been here, that I really shouldn't have expected to make any real friendship progress, but I can't stop myself from becoming sad/depressed about being lonely.

Roommate and I are nice to each other, but I actually don't really want to hang out with her, she's just not my kind of person. I almost made a friend yesterday, but today when I saw her and talked to her a little, it was like we had lost the connection we had the day before. And she was with some other friends. How the hell did everyone else get friends so fast? Why am I the only one out a group? Or rather, why does it seem that way? And everyone can tell me that I'm awesome, or that I'll make friends soon, but I don't see it happening, and I'm not awesome to people I don't know in case you weren't aware. Reassurances do nothing to help me. I'm not outgoing with people I just meet, I'm shy and stupid and afraid of saying the wrong thing. 

And I'm tired of people trying to give me advice. I'm doing my best, I'm just getting in my own way.

I need classes to start. I need to sing and I need to play music. I need friends. 

So I'm Here

For some reason, I don't always feel like I'm going to be here for as long as I will be. Like it's just summer camp or something, it's weird.

Moving in was much less of a hassle than i previously thought, I didn't bring an absurd amount of stuff, so that's probably why. Thankfully, my bed isn't raised like the one I had at orientation, so there are no failed attempts at leaping into it, hahaha. My roommate raised hers, sucka. 

My desk chair is the most annoying fucking thing I've ever had to sit on. On the front and back of the legs, it tilts upwards, so it can rock forward and back, which is really annoying when you don't expect it, or want it. Also it kills my back. Sigh.

Anyway, my roommate and I get along, but we don't talk very much...it's too quiet and I don't like it, but I don't know what to say either. She's actually out at the moment, so I have the opportunity to listen to some Wizard Rock using my speakers without feeling weird, haha. Mmm, Ministry of Magic :)

I've talked to quite a few people, but the amount of time I spend talking to people is still outweighed by the time I spend either listening to others or walking alone... Once classes start I'm sure I'll be better (at least, that's what I tell myself). I worry that everyone who is making friends now will be so tight knit in groups that by the time I can work up the courage to keep a conversation going it'll be too late to be good friends with them...

I'll write more later, don't feel like rambling on at the moment.

You Won't Get Much Sleep

I'm not excited.

I don't really want to go.

It's not just because of what I'm leaving behind, though of course that's a part of it.

I feel as if I've become disenchanted with the whole idea. 

And I'm afraid. Afraid of what might not work out. Afraid of not making friends. Afraid the friends I have won't be the same when I come back. Afraid I won't be the same when I come back. Afraid I won't do well in classes, that I'm really no good at what I want to do. Simply afraid.

There's nothing I can think of to change that. Nothing I can think of to make me excited. 

It doesn't seem real. It won't until I'm there.

Strawberry Fields

For the past few weeks I have had vivid and highly involved dreams almost every night, and I usually wake up remembering them, though I don't remember long enough to tell someone coherently what exactly happened in the dream.

Anyway, for the last two nights I have woken up and then written down as much as I can remember of the dream before it slips from my consciousness. Don't expect this to make sense, but it's a little interesting I suppose.

Dream 1

- two warring countries/factions

- mix between modern and ancient times

- protagonists steal a magic carpet (that looks more like a yoga mat than a carpet)

- return to the castle where the antagonists are staying in time to see a man named B----- (I can't remember the name, just that it started with a B) proclaiming himself to be a betrayer to an overly crowded hall based on what he's read in old stories (he believes himself to be reincarnated), everyone is fleeing the hall, and the man is taken away

- spying and sneaking around the castle, a young, malicious girl finds them hiding and alerts the guards, chase scene ensues

- the cars of the leaders are destroyed when the protagonists escape (parts of the castle were destroyed and landed on the cars (i told you, ancient and modern mixed, haha)

There's a part I left out because it involves drawing a diagram of the area of the castle, but it didn't make sense anyway, so oh well.

Dream 2 (slightly more coherent)

So I'm in a castle with a bunch of people and it's kind of like a People to People trip, and we're having a scavenger hunt where we are all split in to teams. I came late (I don't recall why) and some girl drags me into her group, when we're given the signal to start the game, me and this girl don't immediately start searching, we instead try to make a makeshift bag to carry around the stuff we will be finding. When we finally get to exploring, we find that most of the teams have already been taken out (it was also somewhat of a war game), the ammo that was used - strawberries. So entire corridors are littered with strawberries and we pass by one alcove where an entire team was seemingly slaughtered, their bodies lay in a circle, each of their heads pointing towards the center, strawberries lay all around them.

I figure that the reason strawberries were used as ammo in my last dream is because it looks a lot like blood if everyone is covered in the red juice. Morbid, I know, but it wasn't really a nightmare, so I don't know what's going on in my head.

I kind of hope I have that first dream again, it was really awesome, and I wish I could remember all the details, I want to make it into a story.

I Won't Let Go Til We've Seen the Dawn

I am most often inspired to write poetry when I'm listening to music. You would think that someone else's words would be distracting from my own, but it's just my motivation. However, I haven't written anything in quite some time, though I desperately want to. I just can't force words. 

I am dying to buy some new books. But I want to finish rereading the Harry Potter series before I do, and I should probably finish a few other books that are already on my shelf....but I really want new books, new adventures, new characters. I just want to stand in front of a shelf of newly written words. I just love being in bookstores. Touching and smelling new books. 

Sigh.

Erin has been at the beach with her friend since Wednesday. She came home today and we chilled together, watched tv, went shopping (bought matching outfits, hahahahaha). It was good. I am soooo going to miss her when I leave for school. My twinny, my seestoor, my charlie, she is the mitchell to my kyle, haha. We are probably the most ridiculous pair, and it's always fun. I can be as absurd as I want to be, and it doesn't matter.

I know that around my friends I am generally a ridiculous sort of person, I like to laugh, I make absurd gestures and comments. But I find that I am even more absurd and ridiculous around my family (if you can imagine me being more so than I already am), perhaps it's because they have to deal with me no matter what, or perhaps because I just don't think I would have as many friends if I was as weird as I am when I'm with my family and in a relatively hyper-giddy mood. Hahahahaha. I make odd noises, outlandish metaphors or similes, talk about things I don't know, etc. 

Currently Listening to: Into the Night - Ministry of Magic

Currently Reading: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Top Ten Change

For the first time since I got into Wizard Rock over a year ago, it is not the most listened to song/album/artist on my iTunes.

My top 10 most listened to songs are only spread out over five different artists though, and Wrock still contributes heavily to the top 10 (it's just not number one):

1. Melee (Built to Last)
2. Julia Nunes (You Were)
3. Landon Pigg (Falling in Love at a Coffeeshop)
4. Ludovico Einaudi (Andare)
5. Ministry of Magic (6 of my top ten songs are MoM songs, I won't bother listing)

I was only surprised by the sudden drop in Ministry of Magic's status because I hadn't synced my iPod with my iTunes for a really long while before I switched computers, so I was unaware of the transition and it seemed rather sudden. I'm really not surprised that Melee got first through this change, they were the first album I ever got in to my iTunes, and Built to Last is certainly my favorite song by them. Once I bought Julia Nunes' CD I listened to it pretty much nonstop for a few weeks after, so it got up there pretty easily. I actually had not realized that I listened to the "Falling in Love" song that often, I've only had it for a little more than a month, whereas I've had all the other songs for much longer; but it is quite a wonderful song, and it makes me happy :) Andare is my favorite classical song, it was a free song on iTunes a really long while ago, and I've put it on each of my Calm playlists (of which there are 4 by this point), which I listen to with relative frequency. And when I got it at first, I listened to it on repeat for a whole day, just to immerse myself in the song. Of course, Ministry of Magic remains my favorite Wizard Rock band of all time, and I always have one of their CDs with me when I'm driving (so I suppose it might be higher up there if I were listening to my iPod instead of the CDs). It doesn't matter how I'm feeling, I'm always in the mood for the Ministry boys awesome vocals and songs :)

Just Drive

Last night, after work, I was not in the mood to go home. So I decided to drive for a while, I had a full tank of gas and a bit of an urge to get myself lost. But my first hope was to find a friend to talk to. I texted Chloe, she wasn't home; I knew Sarah wasn't home; and I drove by Abby's house and didn't see her car so I knew she wasn't home either (yeah I'm a creeper...). So I drove.

I took the back roads to Delaware, and once there, drove by my old house and then over to Silverside, which I followed for a while before turning on to some road that took me up to 202 South. I followed 202 until it split into 95, and I turned around and went all the way back. I turned down to take the far-side of Smithbridge, I went over the bridge and kept following the road. I decided to turn around after I started to get a little freaked out; it was dark, the road was both hilly and curvy (which is all well and good in the sunlight, but in the dark it's disconcerting), and I was alone. From how far I had taken the road, it took me almost 20 minutes to get back over 202 and then to my house. By this point I had been driving for over an hour. It wasn't much of an adventure, but the time had passed quickly and it felt so good to drive again.

I kind of want to go driving again tonight, but perhaps I should deter myself due to the unfortunate conditions of the road. Haha, we'll see.

In Which I Am Alone

The room isn't much bigger than my own, perhaps 3 feet wider; but it's empty, save for the two beds, the two desks, and the two dressers. For some inexplicable reason, my orientation roommate didn't show up and I have the room to myself, which sounds like it'd be really awesome right? 

You couldn't be more wrong.

I mean, I enjoy my alone time, I do. But that's in my own room where I know that someone is always just a room or two away. And it's full of everything that makes it my home within my home. 

This was different though. This was being completely disconnected. This was being without friends, because I'm no good at making the fast friendships that are required in these types of situations. I'm the one standing off to the side of the group, just listening, chuckling at other people, but never contributing because I have no idea what to say or how they will react to anything I could say. And by the second day of this, it started to get to me. The second night I got in bed, felt the echoing emptiness of my room, and let myself be crushed by waves of loneliness. I was exhausted from the constant activity that day, but I couldn't decide whether I more wanted to sleep or to cry.

The agenda for our last day called for individual missions, and the groups didn't meet up again. I had to walk to my advisement appointment and register for classes, register my computer, get my ID card, and checkout. This didn't particularly help me feel any better than the night before. I walked in the pouring rain from North campus to South campus, got lost, found my way, and after the appointment had to walk all the way back. I was soaked through, cold, uncomfortable, alone, hungry and altogether miserable. I was literally dripping water each time I got inside, and I had to give up on my Chucks after that and wear flip-flops because I didn't want to get sick from walking around with wet shoes/socks, plus it was uncomfortable (flip-flops weren't much better, but oh well).

So I've learned that I really don't handle be completely alone that well. And don't get me wrong, I'm totally excited for college, and I know this experience won't really be what it is like, so I'm not too worried (though I am a little bit anxious about making friends...).

Things To Say

- I didn't cry. I didn't even tear up.

- My walking partner was really awesome even though I thought he would be annoying. He made me laugh and I talked to him throughout the ceremony. He was also the only one to see me almost trip and fall on the way back to our seats, when he sat down next to me he said "How about that trip?" hahaha.

- The past three years that I have sat through graduations have been absolutely boring and terrible. But when you are actually part of the ceremony it isn't that bad, time practically flew away; sure my mind drifted a few times...but other than that, it truly wasn't terrible.

- This whole graduating thing is so crazy. Haha, Donna and I were in the hallway about ready to walk in and I just randomly said "Well this is weird" and she just looked at me like I was crazy and said "Did you just realize we're graduating?"

 

- I have a Macbook Pro. And it is absolutely amazing. Be jealous :P

- I just have to transfer all my iTunes stuff from my old laptop to this one, and also transfer all my old documents and bookmarks and whatnot.

- Tomorrow, me, Donna, Rebecca, Chelsea and Jenna are leaving to go to Busch Gardens for four days. Should be awesome. Though I do NOT look forward to the car ride, ugh. 

So begins my summer.

Just Look Over Your Shoulder

So after taking two absolutely horrific finals for AP psych and then math (which both worry me a tad), I'm done. I've finished it all. And now all that's left is a ceremony. Then those metaphorical doors will open, and I am free.

Only the edges of this has hit me so far. I can't quite believe it yet. And the full force of feeling that I'm truly done with this chapter in my life has yet to overwhelm me. It has come close a few times today:

When Sarah gave me her wonderful present.
When Barathi literally ran to me in the hallway for a hug.
When Abby hugged me and told me not to leave.
While listening to the CD that Rebecca made me and our group of friends. Almost every song makes me want to cry.

I know I have the whole summer left here before I actually leave. But Sunday is the literal end, and August is the true beginning, and everything in between is just the waiting. And yet I hope to make this a really amazing summer, even if half of it is in preparation for the year to come.

One of the songs on Becca's CD is "You'll Be In My Heart" from Tarzan. I completely forgot how wonderful this song is, for so many reasons, and I have listened to it quite a few times this afternoon. It makes me happy and want to cry all at once.

Tired

I can't remember the last time I was this exhausted. And I haven't even done anything that warrants me being exhausted! Everything is just heavy, and it makes me want to lay down and not be bothered by anyone ever again.

I'm too tired to express emotions, and it's silly. I don't like being a downer and not reacting to people, especially when they're concerned and trying to make me feel better.

*sigh*

I hope I'm awake for Hershey tomorrow. I also hope I don't get burned while we're there: tan lines + strapless prom dress + prom in a week = no good.

Let's Play Catch-Up

- my neck and back have started hurting again. the pain is a little different; more tense, but the burning feeling is there as well. I asked my mom to refill my prescription pain medicine. I can't take it anymore.
- Donna thinks I need an intervention with my texting, hahaha.
- the choice of people sitting at my prom table is extremely unfortunate. *sigh*
- I'm researching Attraction and Love for our social psychology chapter lesson plan project, and I fear that it might make me over-think all of the interactions I have with my friends and such.
- Pro Musica is absolutely awesome, we are so much better than any of the choirs run by Mr. Smith (being that we're a student run group), and even Mr. Demarro said that. hahaha.
- we're watching a legit French movie from France in French class. It's really good and quite funny, though I can't remember what it's called.
- I move in to Hofstra on the 27th of August. This is going to be the first time that I'll be home for my birthday in four years.
- I'm happy.
- Still not quite sure how I feel about this year ending though.

Family Dinner

While having dinner with my family tonight I realized how hilarious and ridiculous our dinners are. I haven't eaten with them since last Sunday because of drumline, hanging with Sarah, drumline again, band trip, work, and drumline again. Tonight:

- all the childrens and myself started singing the Phineas and Ferb (show on Disney channel) theme song as loud as possible which made our parents laugh. And my dad asked me "Wait, how do you know that?" to which I replied, "Dude, I love Phineas and Ferb. I know I don't watch TV a lot, but I watch it enough to know I don't live under a rock..."
- Jack, while looking for croutons in the pantry, suddenly shouted "POPTARTS!"
- we discussed schedules for the week
- I mocked Erin for having braces, hahaha, sucker.
- Most everyone was burned aside from myself, we pointed out that I would be the one to mock them later when they had skin cancer and I didn't. I like being pale :P
- my mom and dad reminisced about how we each were as babies (because I brought it up since I need to write a psych paper about my childhood development). I was the best baby, quiet. When my mom called to ask how I was my dad would reply "A joy" haha, I win. Erin and Patrick were the worst, screamed their heads off, wouldn't sleep.

I am going to miss this.

Sunday

Sunday's are always so hollow.

Yesterday was particularly sad.

I hope the rest of this week won't be as hollow, though at the moment I fear it.

Whoa

I haven't been this hyper in a long time.

I'm trying to type as fast as I'm thinking/as fast as I was talking earlier. It's hard and I keep messing up and having to BACKSPACE.

There's nothing even to say except that my heart is still freaking out and I can't stop bouncing/tapping my foot.

My hoodie is a little too small. BAH.

I've been sitting here just tapping my fingers on the keyboard and not typing anything for the past few minutes.

Auditioned for Save the Music concert thing today. It went quite well :D and I am really proud of myself because I am getting better at not being nervous, I wasn't even shaking. it was awesome

New student teacher for band (Mr. Sindorf) is AWESOME. and hilarious. cool guy.

Probably the funniest part of being this hyper earlier was the looks I kept getting. so funny.

I really am not sure how I'm going to fall asleep like this.

*deep breath*

It's the Bitch of Living

I really need to focus right now. I have to write a summary about an article en francais pour mon examen a demain. And I need to memorize it so that I can present it to Madame. I would really like to pass and be exempt from the final, but at this rate, I'll be lucky with a B. I've already accepted the fact I won't get my honor cords for French Honor Society (aka the only reason I'm in French 5); though when I think about it I'm actually really pissed off. But just because I've accepted the fact that I won't be able to, doesn't mean I need to stop being angry about it. I would be less pissed if everyone in French 5 this year was on the same level, but we're not, because half of us have Madame Dubnansky which is a fucking joke of a language class, if you don't get above a 100 in there, you are truly an idiot. But since Madame Ruutianen (or whatever how you spell that) is an ACTUAL teacher, I'm the one who has to suffer for the fact that we haven't actually been learning French these past 3 years and suddenly need to apply it. How is that fair? Since they have an easy teacher, they'll get the honor cords, but because I am really learning French for the first time in high school I CAN'T WEAR THE CORDS, all because I am two percentage points away from an A. And Jenna has the fucking nerve to complain about Madame Dubnansky! Who will get to wear the honor cords and will easily be exempt from their final? Certainly not I. My head is in a fog right now, there is no way my summary will make any sense. And I'm sorry that most of this entry is a psychotic babbling of annoyance, and I've avoided the proper use of the English language for a good portion. I'm just...I don't even know.

On the other hand, I had a lovely afternoon. It made me remember why I was friends with Becca in the first place, and as always, reminded me why I love Donna so much. Out of all my senior friends, I will miss Donna the most; she makes me laugh no matter how I'm feeling and even when I don't want to, she's my soulmate for various crazy reasons, she never makes me feel like an idiot, and she gives some of the best hugs I've ever had. I can imagine letting go of Jenna (I already have), Rebecca, Hana, Emily, Alycia, Chelsea, and all my friends/acquaintances that exist in my grade; but never Donna. And all the others were important, certainly, I'm not saying that they aren't, because without them I wouldn't be who I am and I certainly love talking to most of them. But when we move away to various parts of the country, it simply won't be as difficult to just fondly look back on those memories without wishing they were there (I'm not sure that made sense). I have a few months to go before any of this happens, but you know, as it is right now, I can't not think about what it will be like. (and I didn't mention those of you in the grades below mine because that is an entirely different story, one that I don't wish to become sentimental about at the moment) I don't think I can ever prepare myself for what it's going to be like when I go away or when others go away, it's best to be ready to move on, but honestly, all that I just said, is kind of unfathomable in the way that I can't believe it will actually happen yet. And I don't think I will until it actually does. Just like I could not believe that I was really going to England until the plane had landed and I was there. A trip that had been planned for months really didn't come to fruition in my mind, any readiness I thought myself capable of was impossible, until it truly happened. This is just like that I suppose, and I won't know until it happens what it will be that I'll miss the most. It's hard to live day to day, when all this year is about is what will happen to your future. I can't stop myself from looking ahead. (Although I am managing to be in complete denial that drumline will end a month from now, I don't think I can handle that)

This entry was just supposed to be me ranting about French and now look what it's turned in to. *sigh* Sorry for the crazy rambling/ranting. I am so DONE.

Love and Worries

I love hugs, and holding hands, and cute ways to physically connect with people that I love too much for words.

I've never been in a relationship, so for me, it feels like I'm missing something. And I know there are those people who love to be single, celebrate it really, but most of them have already been in a relationship (generally a bad one...) before they ever say that; or they're in denial. It's hard to love being single when all I want is to be somebody's someone. As I get older I find it harder and harder to accept the fact that no one has ever looked at me like that; harder to accept that and still have high self esteem. Maybe that's why I feel like I need my friends now more than ever, without them I would most certainly have more self-esteem issues than I do already.

On a different note: I think I made a terrible decision in only applying to two colleges; two pretty expensive colleges. What was I ever thinking? I'm incredibly worried I won't be able to go because of the expense, there are only so many scholarships I can earn and the government will only give my family so much. Gah, so stupid. I'm applying for the spring semester at Bloomsburg (because fall semester will probably be full now) just in case. I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself if I am unable to go to college until then. What was I thinking?

On another note: I'm really not in a bad mood right now, these are just things that remain constant in the (sort of) back of my mind. In truth, I am in a fantastically good, albeit exhausted, mood. I love everyone in ridiculous proportions.

Listening to the Radio

Before we were allowed off the bus to visit the Cliffs of Moher, our guide threw down some ground rules. Of these ground rules, the most important was: return to the bus by a certain time; if you are 5 minutes late you have to sing, 7 minutes late you have to sing and dance, and if you're later than seven minutes you get to sing and dance where the bus used to be (he was a funny guy).

*insert the wandering of the Cliffs and the blatant consumerism in the shopping area*

*back to the bus*

Now cue Arnold, an Hawaiian-bred, stocky boy from Georgia. Arnold wasn't that great with the whole time thing, and ended up joining us on the bus five minutes too late. He walked up the bus stairs looking a bit sheepish. Everyone started howling for him to sing immediately. We fell silent and stared at him, waiting, a few kids had their cameras poised for a hilarious video.

Next thing we know, he's begun the chorus to "Apologize" in a pretty decent falsetto (it's too late to apologize, it's too late, etc). He goes on for about 2 minutes worth of the song, all the while the rest of the bus is clapping and laughing and staring at each other in amazement and hilarity. Arnold takes his seat, grinning, and high-fiving his friends. And the rest of us now have something to talk about for the first 10 minutes of our 3 hour bus ride.

For this reason, I absolutely cannot hear "Apologize" without thinking of Arnold or that moment.

When I Wake Up, Everything's Fine

Not sure why, but I was in a completely fantastic mood all day (except, maybe, when I was giving my French presentation...that was bad). I'm at odds with the weather though, haha.

There are decisions that need to be made, and I don't know how to make them. Debating each side with myself gets me no where.

Pretty much the only reason math class is not completely dull is because I write notes to myself (or other people, but mostly to myself) throughout the period. I pay attention Mrs. Teague long enough to get the notes I'll need to comprehend the math concepts later, and otherwise let my mind wander. It's not even that I don't enjoy math, because I do when I understand the concepts (which isn't that hard in this class...); it's just that she can be rather boring and I don't feel like paying complete attention.

My friend Megan and I are going to a book signing on the 24th. Even though Cassandra Clare is not one of my most favorite authors, I still love going to events and meeting an author and hearing them talk about their book. There are quite a few authors I hope to meet one of these days: Maureen Johnson, Philip Pullman, Herbie Brennan, Melissa Marr, and Eoin Colfer (*please note, I am only listing authors that I might actually have a chance of meeting, JK Rowling and authors that have only ever published one fantastic book are pretty much pipe dreams*). And I definitely want to meet John Green again, maybe be a little less shell-shocked and a little more talkative.

*ramble ramble ramble*

Well, is it?

Is being unsure the same as being insecure?
Is being able to laugh, smile, and be excited the same as being happy?
Is second-guessing the same as deciding not to?
Is being unable to decide who to talk to the same as not being able to trust?
Is being bitter the same as condemning happiness?

It doesn't matter
It doesn't matter
It doesn't matter

The thoughts are still the same.

Hormones = Rage

I am not going to be modest here, I am generally the most liked sibling for each one of my brothers and sisters even when I'm sarcastic, even when I'm outright mean. To be honest, we are all mean and sarcastic to one another, it's just how it goes. I like to think I have a pretty long fuse when it comes to being angry, being irritable is another story, but I don't get really angry like Patrick does in a matter of seconds after being made fun of (0 to 60 80% of the time *sigh* that kid).

However, one of my mom's favorite stories is the one of me chasing Jack from the dinner table after he went too far. I don't remember what we had been arguing about, but the last straw was when he threw a piece of food at my head. After which, I slammed my hands upon the table and stood up swiftly "You wanna go?" I asked. His terrified eyes seemed to be in shock for a moment before he bolted from his chair. He ran into a corner of the foyer, I stood over him, didn't even lay a hand on him and he started crying and apologized. I returned to the table, my mom acknowledged that Jack was in the wrong and I was not in trouble (if I had made a habit of this as Patrick does, I would have been sent to my room in a heartbeat), everyone aside from Jack was laughing.

Today, Erin, my mom, dad and I, were playing Racko. My dad had to go get Jack from a friends house, when they returned we resumed the game (though now Patrick was playing for my mom because she was making dinner) and Jack stood in the kitchen doorway talking to us. I cannot remember at all what I said, though I know it was a snide remark making fun of him. All I remember is him kicking me in the back (as my back was to him) and me chasing him into the family room. I slapped him, because I know that it would hurt for the time being, but wouldn't actually be enough to cause him that much lasting pain, but he kept kicking me even when I tried to disengage and walk away, he kicked me right in the chest, so I started kicking him as well until my mom's raised voice cut into my senses and I ran from Jack and went to defend my actions to her also in a raised voice. It just so happened that Alex returned home in the midst of this mess, probably the only funny thing about it. I ran upstairs, my chest and back burning from pain, hardly able to breathe through tears of anger and pain, put my stereo onto the highest volume and tried to read. My mom came up an hour later to talk to me and give me a hug.

Jack and I haven't spoken to each other since. I definitely think he caused me more pain than I did to him, while I was angry, I certainly didn't use all of my strength to attack him. I don't think I could, I don't think I know how. Sting him, yes, bruise him, never.

I can't decide if I'm sorry or not, even though I feel terrible about it.
I can't decide if I'm a terrible sister or not.
I can't decide how much of a terrible person I am or how much I can blame this on hormonal imbalances.

The only thing that comforts me is that my mom and her siblings were much, much worse to each other, and they all turned out on good terms.

Messed Up

I am quite tired at the moment, but I have not finished my brain project for psych that is due tomorrow. Meh. Creativity takes such time. So I am taking a break and wasting much more time than is really necessary.

There really was something I needed to say, though I can't think of what it was now of course.

On Monday night (last night, whatever, I get all confused when it comes to be only a little past midnight) it took me forever to fall asleep: 1. my back hurt 2. I couldn't stop thinking about being murdered/running away from a pack of murderers 3. the entire situation of 2 occurred in varying stages of detail multiple times as I tried to cut off the thought and focus on something else 4. the entire idea of trying to stop thinking about it back-fired and so I resigned myself to imagining an incredibly terrifying fate over and over again 5. all these thoughts made me feel a little nauseated 6. I am seriously messed up.

Otherwise, the day turned out alright. As secretary, I had to speak at the Tri-M induction, and while I dislike public speaking I actually wasn't all that nervous (although, I did not look up from the paper once while I read my part of the ceremony (tiny cop-out)).

Okay, back to gluing and being creative and what-not.

Satellite Radio

Why I love satellite radio:

1. there are no commercials (except on this one channel, but I don't listen to it so it doesn't matter)

2. the songs remain uncensored. Censored songs annoy me to no end, we all know what they're saying, there's absolutely no reason to bleep it out.

3. The radio announcers are allowed to say things like this: "Wouldn't you let *some guy's name from a band I can't remember* tape you naked and masturbating? I TOTALLY WOULD." or "There's no need to go out on Valentine's day. Instead, stay home and rock out in your living room naked, it has to be naked, to this radio station."

A Good Day

So I am getting X-rays on my back tomorrow. At the moment I feel more intrigued than worried; this will be a pretty interesting experience. I was also prescribed stronger pain meds today at the doctor, since ibuprofen and tylenol don't work.

Being that it was impossibly nice out today, I got home from school to put my stuff down and turn right back around and go for a walk. I had Chloe's iPod with me (an acquisition made through collateral for a dollar earlier today) to keep me company as I wondered my neighborhood streets and into the woods. There I meandered for about forty minutes following the creek out to Smithbridge, five successful crossings of the creek were made on the way, and one unsuccessful in which I overestimated the stability of two wooden boards stacked upon each other (only my feet got soaked though, right through my Chucks and into my socks). When I got out to Smithbridge I followed it back over the hills and to my neighborhood entrance. Twas a grand afternoon.

During lunch today, Chloe discovered that our graffiti project has been set back (I had actually discovered the set back in another bathroom earlier that day, but didn't realize it at the time). It seems that the janitors finally found our work, and the proper cleaning solution to fix it with. We were properly outraged in our perhaps a little melodramatic reactions, twas great fun, my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. I hope the janitors realize that this means war; a war that I am most willing to fight until the day I leave this school, and WIN.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get involved in forums on the interwebs (mostly HP related), sometimes I let others know something about myself, and sometimes they reach out to me, and sometimes, this makes me cry. That other people who don't know me personally are willing to offer me guidance and care makes me realize that the world isn't all bad.


My dad made me an appointment with an orthopedic doctor in 2 weeks. While I cringe at the idea of dealing with this pain for that long, I'd rather do that than go to the ER.

In Which I Am Okay

The view out my window is so calming and peaceful; I'd sit on my roof if it wasn't so cold out. I love snow, though I don't think I'd be able to handle another day alone if we had a snow day.

So this neck/back thing is still going on, I thought it was starting to go away on Sunday night, but alas, no such luck.

Have I ever mentioned here how much I love my friends? Because I do, so much.

You know what's funny? I got accepted in to Ursinus today, the college I only applied to because I was getting anxious waiting for Hofstra to reply back. It's nice to be accepted, but I never really planned on going there.

Hofstra is my first choice school, but I almost want to wait and see if I get accepted in to Northwestern before actually deciding to go. But that would be stupid, I would miss out on all the perks of returning my information and deposit early. Still...

I think I'm just psyching myself out now.

In Which I Am A Depressed Idiot

My chest is tight, woven through with strings that keep me anchored, but also cut through my vital life.

My back is on fire, from the top of my neck to my shoulder blades, I'm not sure if I should be concerned by this pain yet...it's been three days, I'll give it a week.

There are always moments of happiness, in which I am brightened and alive, but moments pass, and the ones that follow dampen and darken my mind.

I can know that I'm okay, but the difference is in what I feel; and I can't seem to make that change for longer than those bright moments last. Perhaps it's the disconnection with friends that I am feeling, and simply how far away (figuratively) most of them are; it was yesterday I realized, again, that I actually don't have a best friend. There are definitely a few friends I would consider the only people I can turn to when I feel like this, but I'm not sure that I'm the first person they would turn to, and without the symbiotic relationship it's not the same. I'm lonely damnit. And I'm sad.

Gira Con Me Questa Notte

You know what's really heart-warming? When a friend that I only really speak to during the summer, and even then only the first two months of the season, reaches out to me to see if I'm okay.

So often, day to day, the world is fighting itself; how much good can outweigh the bad? It's a contest of competitive children; which grows tiresome, yet is somehow an endless game.

Listening to an artist on my iPod that I've been neglecting for a while feels like discovering something completely new, but familiar, and makes me wonder why I don't listen to this every day.

My fortune from yesterday: "You are admired by everyone for your talent and ability." How I wish this were true.

I have so much to talk about and I really want to write something, but for some reason I'm finding it extremely difficult to actually form words lately. It's actually distracting me in some of my classes, I just want to write random notes while I listen to the teacher talk, but I can't think of anything so instead I fidget and wish there was something to do other than just listen.

Have you ever sat next to someone who is your friend in one of your classes and not talked to them the entire time? Am I a terrible person for not engaging in conversation?

Messages

What I can and can't say out loud.

-You are the one that I want...but I haven't seen you in so long that it's kind of hard to remember why.
-You are the only one that mocks me in such a way that I actually feel stupid and belittled, I really wish you wouldn't. I don't want to be your friend anymore.
-I cannot believe how much happier I am when you are around.
-I'm so glad that we started to get to know each other better.
-No matter whose fault it is, the way things are won't change and it'll only get worse with distance.
-I really can't understand your mood swings, and how you can do that to people; actually, I do the same thing, I just hide it better. Maybe I'm just not brave enough to hurt someone.
-It's a good thing we keep each other sane, otherwise I might've left, and so would you.
-I want you to know that I think you will get everything you wish for and more, and I sincerely hope your life turns out nothing like what you fear.
-I found your note a while ago, and it's okay, I wrote one just like it. I couldn't live without you.
-I am almost never in the mood to talk to you these days and I blame you.
-I cannot wait for you to grow up and out of this annoying stage of youth.
-Shhh, you're my favorite, don't tell anyone.
-You worry me sometimes.
-I kind of wish we had connected enough for me to seek out your company now, but it's too late for it not to be awkward.
-Do you remember? I can't stop.
-You're beautiful, even if you are hurting deep inside, you can still be a magnificent person, and you are.
-Together, I can't stand you, come to think of it, can't stand you apart either. Sorry.
-I don't get to see you much anymore, and we don't talk much either, it makes me sad.
-Can you be my friend? Please?
-You can tell me, I swear I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to.

Why Am I Annoyed?

I watched this Youtube video once about internet vs. IRL friends. With the internet ones you can connect a lot faster, most likely you found each other through similar interests and can dive right in to a relationship. IRL friends come much more slowly, as you day by day gain information about who they are. Internet friends are also much easier to drop, one day you could just stop messaging them or whatever. With real life friends that's kind of difficult, you see this person on a daily basis, your other friends are friends with this person, and you'll feel like a right ass if you try to just drop them one day.

And therein lies my problem. I don't know how to stop being friends with someone. Last year we were fine, I got annoyed with her occasionally but it wasn't a big deal. All of a sudden at the beginning of this year, after not seeing her much over the summer, I really just didn't want to be friends anymore. Everything she did annoyed me, the way she talks to me in a condescending tone, the way she makes fun of me for the things I love, and the way she ignores me when there are other people around; it fucking hurts. So I talk to her less, but she's still always there, still friends with my other friends (who apparently don't see anything wrong, am I just mental?).

I'm starting to resent her and the interactions she has with my friends. I'm acting as if she's not allowed to be friends with them anymore or like anything that I already like because it's mine and I don't like her. Now that's selfish and immature, but I really can't help it.

Don't you wish you could just tell someone everything they've done to hurt you and have them fix it? Oh if only the world worked that way.

This is one reason I need to go to college, to get the fuck away from the people I just can't take anymore.

Future

I got my acceptance letter from Hofstra yesterday (you know, the one day I DON'T check the mail).

I am so uber excited, I almost can't believe it.

But I'm also a little scared; not to go away, but to take such a monumental stride towards my future. I only get to do this once and I would rather not screw it up.

I Try Not To

I was in Bath and Body Works earlier today, and tried some aromatherapy lotion called Optimism... I don't think it worked.

Especially because one PostSecret this week really hit me and I can't stop thinking about it. Not necessarily the first part, but the second: "Everywhere I look people have found someone to share their lives with. I don't think anyone is looking for me."

This does not go in accordance with my resolution to be happy.

But it certainly does help with the whole 'fear' thing for drumline.

Happy?

This was a comment on a Xanga post (yeah, I think I have a blog account on almost every major blog site and I only update these two) I made yesterday about how I got no sleep at all:

"You weren't "off" at all! Actually, you seemed much happier than you've been lately. I really liked it. I missed happy Molly! Were you actually happy? You never said, just that you were hyper. I hope you are happy, you deserve to be."

I'm not sure how to react to this, I mean, I'm glad she wants me to be happy, but I didn't realize that I appeared otherwise. Perhaps less energetic, less enthusiastic, less willing to talk in the mornings when we hang out in the library...okay, maybe I didn't appear happy. I don't know.

So this is a new resolution to myself: to be happier and more alive

Also, I got a guitar today, it's not in tune and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to effectively tune it, but still, one step closer to fulfilling my wish to relearn guitar. :D

Friendships

Drumline rehearsal today was particularly awesome. Lots of laughter and amazing music; and time only dragged from 11-12 because we had to work on our own and didn't really get much accomplished (and I was really hungry). I love Saturday rehearsals!

I was talking to Sarah and Chloe at one point about how, for some reason, I don't generally get angry or upset with any of my friends in the pit. Not once have I been in an argument with one of them or walked away in a stony, seething silence because of something they said to me. I am severely annoyed by a few members of our ensemble, but severe annoyance doesn't translate into anger or arguments, just...annoyance. This does and doesn't make sense to me. Why is it that I get into fights, give the silent treatment, or silently abuse some of my other friends and not the pit ones? Is it because of who the pit kids are as people, or is it through some twisted mentality of my own? Have I not known long enough/don't know enough about the pit kids to get to the stage that arguments start? Actually, I'll discount that last one, as I have really only known Becca as long as the pit kids and she has pissed me off multiple times this year. I am willing to go with the former of the former, that the pit kids are such likable and awesome people that I don't argue with them, but they occasionally argue and get mad at each other so...I'm not sure if that counts. And also, why doesn't anyone get mad at me? Not that it's a bad thing that they haven't, I'm just wondering.

This is why I wouldn't be a good psychologist, my mind runs in too many circles to actually make sense of why the mind acts the way it does. I think there is a section on relationships in the AP Psych class (I'm taking it next semester), so perhaps I will be able to figure this out with some new knowledge. Either way, I hope it continues like this, I love being on good terms with everybody. Oh no, what if I jinxed myself? hahaha.

Found Poem

Hey, I just found another writing journal that I started and didn't continue to write in (I feel so bad for trees right now). Generally, when I look back at my poems or bits of prose I remain unimpressed with myself. I don't know if this is because it really is mediocre, or if I'm just really judgmental because I'm the one who wrote it. Either way, here's one that I still kind of like...kind of:

my heart forgives the soul
for wandering close beyond.
without the smudged gray land
there arise the blue and black
though nothing to behold
and alas the world lies flat

I also just realized, I don't rhyme very often in my poetry. I wonder if this is some sort of mental quirk that gives insight in to what kind of person that makes me, because I don't do it on purpose, it just doesn't happen.

Subconscious Intent

I don't know why, but I have a habit of putting pens in my mouth and holding them in a way that makes it looks like I'm smoking.

On New Years Eve, my grandmother was drunk and she was playing with her wine glass and somehow ended up splashing it all over me, the table and the floor. I got no sympathy. It stained the nice, cute shirt dress I was wearing, and made the thigh of my jean leggings wet and uncomfortable, and caused the hair tie on my wrist to smell of wine. I went to the bathroom to try and dry it somewhat, it didn't really work. I ended up going to the basement (the only room with no one in it), wrote a poem to calm myself, and then read an article I found on Yahoo News about Zunes that all mysteriously crashed at midnight the night before. I went back upstairs smelling of wine, but considerably calmer. My family is great, but New Years Eve night was not all that enjoyable, I missed my friends too much.

I keep forgetting to breathe.

I can't tell if I'm just really exhausted or if I'm just really melancholic.

Last night, I felt like crying when I couldn't get that scale in the transition.

I hate when I'm sitting at our group table in Lit and Becca is turned towards Jenna talking to her and I can't hear what she's saying. I hate the times in the hallway when there's three people and the person in the middle turns to the person on their opposite side, I end up walking behind and they look at me as if I should join the conversation when that clearly isn't working. Doesn't anyone realize how annoying it is?

The song I keep forgetting I love until I hear it again: 3x5 by John Mayer.

What I Want To Do

2008 was a pretty decent year. I visited England, Ireland, and Wales; and despite the drama within my delegation, I enjoyed it immensely and wish to return there asap, perhaps even live there for a time. I met John Green, one of my favorite authors. I became a crazed Wizard Rock fan and got a picture with two of my favorite artists (Alex Carpenter and Lauren Fairweather); and attended NYC Wrock Festival and the Bryn Mawr Yule Ball. I strengthened some friendships and weakened others, both on purpose and by the power of circumstance.

I want 2009 to be better than anything I've ever experienced.

Things that I wish to accomplish before the year's end:
- graduate with mostly A's (damn physics and gov)
- get accepted in to a college (I use my pessimism to purposely crush my optimism so I'm not disappointed with how this might turn out)
- take the best road trip ever (hello California)
- meet John Green again and actually form the words to tell him how much I love his books and what they mean to me
- relearn how to play the guitar (and possibly buy one for myself)
- put music to my poetry
- make Youtube videos and make friends with people on Youtube
- smoke weed (I'm curious and I figure everyone needs to try it at least once, right?)
- watch all of Doctor Who
- attend Wrockstock '09
- write more and actually finish my novel for NaNoWriMo '09
- read 50 books (I tried this for 2008 and I was 14 books shy)
- write something meaningful on the wall of one stall in every girl's bathroom in the school
- be a better person, more sure of myself, less doubtful of others. View others as the complex beings that they are and stop projecting my own ideas of who they should be onto them. Love more people, love myself more, and actually carry out the plans that I think of instead of keeping them as dreams.

I might think of more later, this was just off the top of my head.